Timshel

"and you have your choices and these are what make man great--his ladder to the stars."

I have never read East of Eden by John Steinbeck.
It was recommended to me by a friend who once told me it was her favorite book and it has held its place quite firmly on my bookshelf--yearning to be read, but the time has not yet come.
I have never read East of Eden, but I know that the word "timshel" is quite important in that story. In Hebrew the word "timshel" means "thou mayest".
What  beautiful sentiment.
If you have had a conversation with me of any substance you will know that Mumford and Sons is one of my absolute favorite bands. Their lyrics resonate within me unlike any other band (yes I said "any") I have ever heard. (I could probably write epically long expositions on what moves me in each and the following week it would change for me. There is just so much depth in their songs.)  While I lover every song I have heard from them there is something about the song Timshel--based on the usage of that word in Steinbeck's novel--that always resonates with me.
Earlier this week I was listening to a sermon from Renovatus Church on resurrection. Jonathan Martin--another name that often pops up in lengthy conversations with me--was opening his heart completely to his congregation about how difficult it is to truly die to oneself. How we struggle to hold on. "If given the option," Martin says, "I will always choose resuscitation over resurrection."
To die to oneself is difficult to truly believe that there is life in death is unbelievable and yet that truth is one of the core beliefs of Christianity. As I was listening to Martin speak and utterly pour his heart out I knew that I was right there with him. There are so many parts of myself that I keep back from God. I cling to them pridefully. I am the first to admit that I am a broken mess, but even that brokenness is a source of pride for me.
When the sermon ended I sat in stunned silence for a moment. Allowing the weight of what I had just heard wash over me. It was a message I needed, and once I was comfortable with the silence I turned on my Avett Brothers pandora station. As the music began I felt that ever familiar leap of joy in my heart that the opening chords to every Mumford and Sons song inspires within me.
This particular song was one that I had clung to quite desperately only a few years before when the intense darkness of life (and my most solid belief in the presence of a Devil) had over taken the spirit of two beautiful friends--causing them to take their own lives.
And as the song--Timshel--repeated those lines "You are not alone in this." I felt a strange amount of camaraderie with the world. Not just Christians or Whovians or Mumford and Sons lovers, but the entire world.
We all struggle with that darkness.
We all struggle to let go and allow ourselves to truly come alive.
We allow ourselves to hold ourselves back from the beauty that has been given to us.

I don't really have a point to this blog post. I have no wise words. I'm not smart enough to offer counsel because I am still trying to figure it out myself, but I can promise you, reader, that you are not alone in whatever struggle is imprisoning you right now.
I can promise you that in the darkest of moments God is still there...even if we do not seek him. Even if we do not believe.
(To paraphrase C.S. Lewis if a prisoner wrote the word darkness on the wall of his cell swearing that the sun did not exist would that cause the sun to stop shining?)
I can just leave you with that hope and know that in the reading of this my heart prays for your heart.
And asks you to pray for mine as well.

"As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand."

If you have a moment you should also check out the latest Renovatus Sermon here. It is the one entitled Resuscitation...or Resurrection :)

You're enough. You're enough. You're enough.

You are enough.

Those little words somehow they're changing us.

-Sleeping At Last, "You Are Enough"

Sometimes we go out searching for validation of self from other people.
We tweet, and Facebook, and Tumbl hoping someone will like what we’ve said and provide us with a small amount of “self-worth”.

What falls short in that mentality though is that we are looking for self-worth outside of our selves. We will never find it there. Ever. 

It has to begin from within and when that happens…when something clicks within our hearts that says, “Oh, who I am is enough. Who cares if that guy (or girl) doesn’t see or like me? Who cares if the world doesn’t notice that I exist? What matters is that I care and believe that I am pretty great as I am now and as I am going to be later.” 

I don’t think we hear that enough. Not from the world and certainly not from ourselves (or at least I know that I do not!) 

For me, personally, I know that true inner validation comes from God, and I believe that this is where the purest and most true validation comes from—that knowledge that the hands that created me cared and valued every piece of me—but I am also aware enough of the world to know that not everyone will see that. I also know that there is nothing I can say to convince you that what I believe is true. 

I don’t have the power within me to change your heart, but I do have a voice to say that you, my friend, are worth so much more than you give yourself credit.

I have a voice to say that I hope for a small moment you allow yourself to believe that you’re wonderful as you truly are at your heart and that you will come alive to that version of yourself and not accept what the world deems “worthy.” The world doesn’t know you. Only you know you. 

Please don’t accept less than that? And pray that I, too, will not forget because I am prone to doubt.

Coming Alive

A few years ago my best friend and I wandered around the streets of London seeking adventure. At the exact moment that this story takes place, actually, I believe we were looking for the perfect tea cup to take home to her mother, but adventure seemed to await around every corner that summer. We happened upon a cobble stoned courtyard full of life and color. In the midst of the revelry we saw a paneled chalkboard with three quotes. “Treat everyone the same because everyone is different.” and “To love is to trust someone into your translucence.” were both beautiful quotes, but the one in the middle was the one that struck me as the most important. As the one that made this moment worth remembering, 

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

People who have come alive.

This concept stuck with me for years—ingrained from that moment onto my heart—continually shining its beautiful face through decisions that I’d made and people that I'd met. At times I would repress it, thinking that it went against what I’d been taught, but then I would find it again in the loveliest of places and remember who I was. I’d only ever wanted to be truly alive.

A week ago I finished reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. I’d heard of the book before, but never had a true interest in reading it until it was given to me as a gift. I lost myself in that world. I found Howard Roark to be bold and absolutely wonderful. I found Ellsworth Toohey to be the scum of the earth, but what I saw most was the bold resurgence of this concept.

“Come alive.” The book screamed at me. “Why hold back? It is okay to be ‘selfish’ if your ‘selfishness’ is something that makes you true to who you are. You cannot be anyone else and that is what makes you beautiful.”

(and I heard God whispering the same into my heart, "I've been trying to tell you this for so long. I made you as you. Not as anyone else. Find peace in that truth. Who you are is enough. I'll worry about the rest.")

I learned a lot of lessons from this book. I could write reviews and analyze the different things that I saw, but the thing I continually return to is the concept that floored me in London in that little cobblestoned courtyard.

Sometimes

Sometimes all it takes to make me smile is a little bit of sunshine and to hear "Beautiful Day" by U2 at random.

There is something about that song that always makes me happy. From the first note to the last I am riveted and it feels as though nothing can bring me down.

The power of music.

"I found a place where the sheep count humans..."

"We speak our minds, but it never hurts feelings"

-Cloud Cult "After the Car Crash

I've been growing a lot lately. Actually I am a bit astounded by the person I've become versus the person that I was just a month or two ago. It's like a light switch went off in my head and I heard God say, "You do know that I made you to be you, right?" Everything changes when you meet someone who sees you and says that who you are is enough. I think I've lived much of my life thinking I needed to be "better" but never really being able to figure out what "better" meant and so falling short of the goal. I've always just gone back to being me. Never realizing that who i was, exactly as I was, was enough. In a way it makes me think of one of my favorite moments in the Old Testament. Now this may be a totally botched analysis for the story, but when Hagar runs away from Sarai (Genesis 16:1-14) and encounters God in the Wilderness she refers to him as the God of seeing and to me it always seemed like something changed in Hagar at that moment—more than just having new faith. She is an entirely new person. I imagine her as more confident in her return. Will things be different for her when she returns? Doubtful, but she goes forth anyway knowin that she can take whatever comes her way. That has always resonated with me...the idea of being truly seen. I did not know that this was what drew me so firmly to God until I saw it in another person's eyes. The beauty of it all was that where one saw and found lacking God saw and simply loved. So like he sent Hagar back into the fray with a promise to always be with her, he did the same to me. 

(Side note: when Hagar later begins to doubt Gods promises again (Genesis 21:15-20) I find that equally beautiful because I know I would do the same! She's human, but God is big enough to take care of her—doubting heart and all.)

The point of all of this was just to say in making changes and I think this blog will reflect that. I've always loved writing. It helps me to clear my mind and to process the things my heart hasn't fully understood. Even if no one ever reads my words it is the process if writing that I just truly enjoy so I promise to write more, and I will write about everything that I love. Books, music, movies...the intricacies of life and people that I do not understand. I just want to write.

I used to love the song this post was named after. I haven't heard it in ages, but there is a line in it that says, "We found the answers in the last place we were looking and in the end all we want is the beginning." Two cliches beautifully placed together in a way that strangely describes what I feel.

So stay tuned, if you like, to a new kind of blog from me.

Random insights, if you will.

All is quiet on New Year's Day

I love new beginnings.

Perhaps it is my love for change that creates this feeling in me, but I always find myself excited when I stand on the precipice of a new day.

I know it is silly. To think that the start of a new month, week, or year could change the day before, but there seems to be something exciting about each new start.

When I look back at 2013 I have very few regrets. I could not say it was a happy year.

In fact, I find that there was an awful lot of bad surrounding me. When I look back at some of the biggest moments in my life they haven't exactly been pleasant, but I have learned a lot.

That friendship is always a two-way street. When it falls apart it is never just one person's fault, but it is also not always a bad thing. People drift. That is natural. We are always growing and changing into new people every day. As Alice said in her journey through Wonderland, "it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." Rather than focusing on the negatives we should realize the beauty of the time that we had with them and move on. It's alright.


That time is the most important gift we can give. Taking the time for coffee or to just to give a hug and listen to some one in need--no matter how tired or busy you might find yourself--is always worth it because it makes a difference.


Writing is important. For me at least. The more I write the more that I learn about myself.


Love is nothing to be afraid of. Far more frightening than not being honest about ones feelings is the unknowing and each missed opportunity. Love is worth the risk.


And I think the most important thing that I learned last year was that God was not something that could fit into the boxes my mind creates. He's big enough for my mistakes, and it is perfectly fine for me to interact with him the way that I do. To love his people the way that I do. I am different from the people around me and that is alright. I don't have to see things the way that everyone else does in order to make sense of the world or of God. I am different for a reason and I intend to act accordingly from now on.


Good thing I have a new year to start with, huh?


I also love looking back on the books that shaped me through the year.
So here is my top list for 2013.

Books

The Book Thief by Mark Zusak

This was the first book in a long time to leave me shaken at the finish. I sat in my office staring out of the window at the end of my lunch break as marines and sailors walked by and wondered how they could continue on with their lives when such a momentous occasion had occurred in my life. I do not think it changed my view on the world, but it certainly is one of the best feelings and so worthy of being on the list.

“A DEFINITION NOT FOUND
IN THE DICTIONARY
Not leaving: an act of trust and love,
often deciphered by children”

------
I'll Be Seeing You by Suzanne Hayes and Loretta Nyhan
The story of two strangers writing to each other for comfort while their husbands are off fighting in WWII. It shows the power of a well-written letter and the honest friendship that written words can create. I definitely found a renewed love for writing letters so if you want to be my pen pal let me know ;) 

“When you put your whole heart in something you risk just that. Your whole heart. It's a high roller's type of gamble. I can tell by your letters that you love with your whole heart.”
-----

Walking to Martha's Vineyard by Franz Wright
This beautiful collection of poetry gave me a strength that words can barely express. It was not so much the words that were written, but the words that were annotated by another that made me feel as though the chaos in my head could have made sense to another had I only the opportunity to meet her. I am thankful for the way that only poetry can touch a heart.

I was still standing
on a norther corner.


Moonlit winter clouds the color of the desperation of wolves.


Proof
of Your existence? There is nothing
but.
-----

Prototype by Jonathan Martin
A reminder that I am loved in my brokenness. This was the first book to inspire me to not only write poetry myself, but to turn my musings into a song. The most beautiful thing about God is that he knows the depth of all that is a mess within me, but that doesn't hinder his love in the least. If that is not beautiful I am not sure what is.

"Because we are formed in the image of God, we are born with the capacity to dream, to imagine, to play, to create."
-----

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas
I have always had a love for classic literature and at the time that I was reading this I was also making my way through Les Miserables (The only reason that book is not on the list is because I am not yet finished with it, but wow. Expect it on the 2014 list!) The juxtaposition of the two main characters--Jean Valjean (Les Mis) and Edmund Dantes (Monte Cristo) and their battles of faith fascinated me. I was riveted from beginning to end.

"...there is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss...the sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and hope.

-----

I hope your 2013 ended well and that your 2014 is even better!

Feel free to throw a few book recommendations my way and I leave you with a quote that is my motto for the year:

“

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever."

-Neil Gaiman

Throwing Rocks

Our world is broken. I see that everywhere I look, but most clearly within.

I think that I often take for granted the true depth of faith.

If I truly believed what I say I believe would I feel it quite so necessary to have an opinion on a million things that I have no control over? I listen to the perception that most of the world has of Christians and if I’m honest it breaks my heart.

The things that are said: Hypocrites, homophobes, money-hungry, judgmental, etc. These labels are put onto Christians, but what that really means is they are put onto Jesus.

Do we see that? Do we really see?

To carry the title of a Christian is to also carry the title of the one who is called the Christ, but none of these labels fit Jesus at all! When people hear the name of Jesus, I wonder what they think? These crimes we commit wearing his clothes are atrocious and unfair. It breaks my heart.

I have been slowly making my way through the book of Job for the past week or so. As I hear the accusations of each of Job’s friends I see myself. How often do we give advice and cast judgments without actually listening to the hearts of the broken—mind you are all broken so we should be highly attuned and empathetic to the brokenness in others. I think that we get so wrapped up in things that we want to change that we neglect to remember that change is truly beyond our control. There is nothing that I can say or do to change the heart of anyone I know, but what I can do is trust that in His time God will do so. When people ask me about things like homosexuality, abortion, murder, rape, etc…what is my response? Is it judgment towards the person or is it love? My personal opinions do not matter. They really don’t. I am in no position to have a stance on anything. Not in reality. I know so little of the world, but what I do know is that if you truly turn your heart to God that he will address every dark issue within your heart, and that I was called to share that Love with the world. To go out and tell everyone that there is someone who knows their deepest, darkest secrets and loves them anyway.

Look at the woman who was caught in adultery. The town wanted to kill her, but Jesus saw her brokenness and saved her—telling all who stood against her, so caught up in their own pride, that they were just as broken and could not judge. He healed her heart. (John 8:1-11)

Look at the woman at the well, seemingly outcast from society and yet Jesus came up to her and spoke to her out of love. She was forever changed. (John 4:1-42)

So I want to focus on love, only love, and trust God to do what he says he will do because I cannot. I am just as broken so I’m dropping my rocks.