Dear Joel,

I didn't want to write you. It felt too cliche', but I also couldn't let this day go by without saying a few things. Joel, I miss you. I remember exactly where I was a year ago today. I remember seeing the look on Joanna's face. I can picture her mouthing the words that I never wanted to hear. I can see myself brushing past that couple as I raced into the back kitchen of Houlihan's to ask if I could leave work early--even though we were slammed. I remember falling into my manager's arms as the reality of what I'd been told came crashing down around me. I don't remember how I got to Joanna's--or to Grandma's Shoe for that matter--but I remember sitting with Abby, Drake, Jake, and Justin as we comforted them and ourselves. I remember asking God why I had to go through this pain again...I remember getting back to Joanna's and immediately walking back to Houlihan's...I needed air. I needed to be beneath the stars, and getting my car was the perfect excuse. I remember reading children's books--particularly Where Do Balloons Go?--and watching Peter Pan in a vain attempt for Casey, Joanna, and I to cling to some innocence in the world. I remember it all as if it were yesterday

but it has been a year

I can't believe that time has passed so quickly. I cannot believe how much has changed. Would we have gotten that coffee? Would I have moved without it ever happening? Who can say. All I know is that I miss you, and that the moment you left this world was the moment my changed forever. One often fails to realize the impact of another human being until they are no longer a part of our world. How tragically true. I wish that you could have seen how loved you were Joel. Not only by me and those you left behind, but by the glorious Father in Heaven who created you. I do not know what you thought and felt in those final moments. I do not know if you called out for him, and I will not know until I am united with him in Heaven, but Joel I pray that I see that beautiful smile when I get there. I pray that I get to hear you sing and that we can have that overly delayed coffee date. I feel you in the autumn breeze and though my heart aches; I smile because I knew you. This pain is a reminder of that blessing.

Until we meet again.

Random Post: Take Two

1. I am so incredibly thankful for my church family. My pastors are knowledgeable. They admit their flaws and they cling to the truth of the Gospel. They challenge their congregation to investigate for themselves and to live audaciously for Jesus. I love them so much.

2. I got to talk to Pastor Mike about Joel tonight and it made me feel so much better than I imagined. Realizing it was the anniversary of his death was heart wrenching, but knowing that I have people beside me--even though they were not impacted by that loss--means a lot to me.

3. Pastor Mike and I also talked a bit about how ridiculously sad it is that Christians feel the need to shun anyone who struggles with homosexuality. We discussed how we all struggle with our own sins and that by not loving someone because their sin is different than our own we are essentially not being "Christ-like".

4.I miss food. I am not a fan of being sick and throwing up everything I eat (or at least getting nauseous even if I don't actually throw up).

5. I love singing praises for God and there is something about singing with a band that makes it more personal...even though I think it should have the opposite effect.

6. I am so thankful that Mumford & Sons album came out when it did. I can already see how God and I are going to have some very intimate moments with these songs as another difficult anniversary approaches.

7. I am also thankful that I have this opportunity to try my hand at song writing! It is an area I have always kind of wanted to dabble in and now I have the chance.

8. I'm thankful for the moon, the beach and friends who make memories that last.

9. I miss the boys and I am ready for them to come back.

10. Joanna will be here in less than a week!!!

"I'll kneel down wait for now. I'll kneel down hold my ground..."

I have a tendency to take on a far more social role in life than I truly desire. I want so badly to sit alone and to just think. I'm a reader for a reason. I am my best when I can escape. I'm losing my ability to escape here.

My heart has been so heavy lately. I would blame it on being sick, but it is so much more than that. I try to distract myself from the fact that Sunday is coming, but every breeze reminds me that I am here and that Sunday will be difficult. I know that this is where I need to be, but for just Sunday I wish I were some where else.

I would never wish my friends here to know the extent of the pain inside of my heart. To know the depth of it. they know loss, Father, but they do not know this loss. It is an ache that cuts deeper than just separation. It is my reminder of how much I have failed. How much You have forgiven. 

But I do not wish to face this day alone.

I feel as though I should not be grieving. That my faith should keep me strong, but there are pieces of my heart that are still broken and I think that this is okay...I just need to know how to cope. If I could go back one year this day would be different. We would have coffee and all would be well, but that was not Your plan. I embrace that. I rejoice...I try to rejoice. I am not angry. I feel only sadness.

I have the opportunity to sing again on Sunday and I know that is wholly Your plan. If I did not have this obligation I would have surely locked myself away for the day to grieve on my own, but now I can at least pour my heart into you again. Pleading for the comfort that only you can give. And this time, if I break down I don't care. I'll know that you are with me and that all is well.

I will wait for You.

Random Thoughts: First Edition

The past few days have been pretty great. 

1. For starters, God has given me a pretty awesome accountability partner. I'm excited to dive into Psalms with her and to encourage each other as we memorize scripture and grow closer to God.
2. My church started it's Saturday night services. I thoroughly enjoyed the first night and look forward to the future! I know that any bit of musical talent that I have comes from God. Often when I sing I cannot explain how or why I know which notes to sing. It just happens. I am so excited to have this opportunity to wholly give back to him the thing which he has undeservedly given to me.
3. Joanna comes in 7 days! When I say I miss my best friend and can use an excuse to read children's books, watch Disney films, read, knit, and explore together that is an understatement!
4. The guys should be returning fairly soon. It is a tad ridiculous how much I miss them!
5. My heart has been so heavy lately. Filled with thoughts of Joel and Shea. I had to physically fight back the tears at work the other day as I realized that Sunday will make it a year since I lost Joel. I see his beautiful smile so often in my dreams. It breaks my heart to know that I will never see it in person again....Much longer post about this coming soon..
6. I finished reading Redeeming Love and I highly recommend that everyone read it at least once. It's a very easy, yet powerful story of God's unfailing love. As with all of the books he has placed in my life, particularly this year, it came exactly when I needed it.
7. Mumford & Sons new album Babel is out and they have solidified themselves as one of my favorite bands. 
8. An old friend asked me to be in a "Mumford & Sons/Swell Season-esque" band for him. He wants to practice his hand at production and I cannot tell you how honored I was that he chose me. I have very little confidence in my musical ability so it is the epitome of flattery.
9. I am craving a random epic adventure. I think I will visit my friend Robin in Orlando soon...
10. My commitment to write every day has wavered only because I experienced my first taste of food poisoning. Yuck. I pray I never go through that again.

In which I muse about writing, relationships, and the past

I want to be a better writer. This means I actually have to write.

I don't want to write a book or anything, I just want to be a better writer.

This means I'm committing to writing every single day. Preferably here, but if that is impossible I have a plethora of journals to write in.

My small group--well the female side at least--wrapped up a month long study we've been doing on sex, love, and dating. I've mentioned previously that I was not incredibly excited about the series, but I have to say I am thankful that we did it. It challenged me to think about myself, not as a dater, but as Christian and to re-evaluate the commitments that I have made to myself and to God. Particularly the ones that I have broken in the past. The final portion of this study focused on how we have to set aside our issues now--debt, troubled past, bad habits, etc--because they will only get worse in the future. We were particularly challenged to investigate any latent issues we might have with our parents. To say that I do not love my parents would be a grievous lie. My parents are not perfect, but I do not think I would trade them. As I have grown older I have seen the many ways that my parents have let me down in the past, but I have learned from these shortcomings and I know without a doubt that they were not from a lack of love. My family rarely ate together as I grew older. I think that this is important so I know that when I have a family of my own I will make this a priority. My family stopped praying together when I was very young, but I remember fondly the times when it would happen as a special treat. I loved listening to my father pray for us. I also remember that bedtime stories were my favorites! I would eagerly await my father or mother reading to me and as I grew older they let me read to them. This simple gesture most certainly strengthened not only my love for books, but my imagination as a whole. Both of these--praying and reading together--are habits I will carry out in my own family. I don't know that I have any "issues" with my parents that are hindering me as I grow. I see them as human. Such an unsettling moment in ones life--realizing that your parents aren't really heroes--but wholly necessary. The issues that I will need to address in my life during this year of "date-less-ness" are issues with my own self image and possibly with the men in my life as a whole. I know they play a part as none of them have ever been "reliable",  but allowing this to go on for 26 years is the fault of no one but myself...

And so begins a journey into self discovery.

A favorite past time!

Autumn is on the air!

This morning I wore a sweater and I needed it.

I drove with my windows down and the a/c off.

I watched the sun rise as I walked into work.

I sipped apple cider as I read Isaiah.

I thanked God because this morning was beautiful and exactly what I needed :)

'I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then..."

For the past few weeks I have been struggling a lot with the guilt of my past. Tonight at my small group a line from one of my favorite songs was mentioned and though I've sung the song a million times and loved every word this one line slapped me in the face

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us..."

Wow. You see, it is so easy for us to get caught up in the past that we neglect to understand the indescribable beauty that is Grace. By accepting Jesus as Savior. By giving him our lives we are forgiven of every past transgression we made against him. We are forgiven for all of the times we will fail in the future. We are forgiven and loved wholly.

Wow. I'd also read a verse in Isaiah yesterday that had a similar effect on me.

"You will say in that day: 'I will give thanks to you, O Lord, for though you were angry with me your anger turned away that you might comfort me.'" Isaiah 12:1

I often forget what true love is like. It floors me and I cannot help, but give praise. I am so thankful for the changes that God is/has/and will make in my life. Every day is an adventure. No two are the same. When I wake up tomorrow, I will be a different person because of the light that shines on me from my Father.

I also made the decision today, after a wonderful small group, that it is time for more drastic changes. God is working in my life, but I continue to fight him for my own selfish desires. I am taking a year off from dating (starting today) because clearly men have been a distraction in my life. I know that God is writing my love story and I am willing to wait for the beauty of that story because it is a million times better than anything I could have written on my own. 

How appropriate that today is the international day of prayer! 

So here I stand--well lie--with a heart fully open to God knowing that he will guard it and protect me, and excited for what tomorrow brings.