Guarding

I love Jane Austen novels. It's weird because I'm the kind of girl who tends to shun romantic literature, but there is an elegance in Austen. Her relationships are real. I believe that I would fall in love with a guy who I initially misjudged as Elizabeth did or not even realize that I had fallen for my closest friend as Emma did. These are things I understand, and there is a part of me that longs for it. I think that marriage and a family is a beautiful thing and I pray that God has them in store for me, but in truth I have begun to wonder that this is not true because I lack relational appeal. Guys want to be my friend and they all make it abundantly clear that this is all they are after. Twice this very week I was reminded of this fact, and while I am generally fine with it I think I am beginning to reach my peak. I wonder if there is someone out there for me (please forgive this romantic rant). Someone who will find me beautiful where I neglect to see it in myself. Someone who will go on adventures and understand--well embrace--my eccentricities. I am thankful to serve a God who feels this way for me and for so long it has been enough, but I would like to feel that love on Earth as well, if only to be able to compare. To know that this overwhelming love I feel for another is only a mirrored reflection of the love I will experience when I meet my Savior. A month or so ago, I was reading C. S. Lewis' The Four Loves--a wonderful book that I highly recommend--what I truly loved about this book is that he brings up my much debated question of male/female Friendships. Lewis does not deny their existence, but he does state that when such friendships are formed between different sexes “The friendship which arises will very easily pass—may pass in the first half-hour—into erotic love. Indeed, unless they are physically repulsive to each other or unless one or both already loves elsewhere, it is almost certain to do so sooner or later.” (67).  Having grown up having primarily male friends, this has always been an argument of mine because while I have often found my close male friends to be attractive, I have not generally desired a relationship with them. I would, however, be lying if I said that at some point in time it did not cross my mind that perhaps this could become more. Inevitably, the thing that deterred those thoughts from arising again or becoming something more was that they always made it quite clear (as stated earlier) where their motives stood, and that I valued the friendship too much to entertain further thoughts of more. I, also, learned fairly young how to guard my heart. My method was to never become interested in a guy until both his actions and words expressed an interest in me, until that time assume that no guy is interested. Seems foolproof, but it also has the ability to block people out. I suppose I am searching for that happy medium? Nevertheless, I am content to wait upon the Lord's timing on this. If the time is ever right for me to share my life with another I know he will put him in my path. Until then, I will be still (or attempt to be still) and not let my lack of confidence/insecurities weigh me down too heavily. I cannot lie and say I will not have nights when the pressure will be a bit much to bear, but I also know that I do not have to bear this or any burden alone.
And for that I am eternally grateful.