Lowly?

I have been praying a lot lately about the state of my heart. I know with confidence that it belongs to God. I also know that it has an innate desire to love and to be loved. The problem is that it neglects to love itself. I was talking to a friend earlier and she said something that kind of floored me. "I guess I just assume that I'm so lowly God just wants to challenge me, not make me happy." Wow. How relevant to my heart. I assume that God gives and then takes away not because he wants me to be happy, but because he is testing me. testing my faith and my commitment to him. I do not know the big picture, but as I grow closer to God one thing I know with full certainty is that he loves me. For no apparent reason he loves me. How much more then does he care for my happiness than I do myself?  I have been praying so long and so hard about what it is that God is trying to say to my heart right now. Lord, I know that you know the desires of my heart and if they are not in your plan for my future, Father, please take them away from me. But if it is your will for me to feel this way, despite the outcome, then Lord not my will, but yours be done. One of the most difficult prayers I have prayed in some time because I did not want to write those words unless I knew that every fiber of my being meant them. That I embraced the cup of unrequited love if it was one from which God wanted me to drink right now because through that heartache he could strengthen me. Draw me closer to him. I can see how God is using me. I can see how he is growing and shaping my life through the joys and the pains. That such a small thing as a relationship can cause this type of impact, however, upsets me. My life has been a roller coaster. I have experienced death and loss on far grander scales, but this one loss has shaken me and I feel so helpless and confused. WHY? Why do I care about this one small thing in the grand scheme of life? I should be out reaching the world not wallowing in rejection and loneliness? My very wise friend, however, also said, "It is a perfectly human response to process rejection negatively and to hurt from it, but if I wallow in that than I am ignoring the grace and beauty of God's unconditional, perfect love. Instead, when I do feel that loneliness or rejection, what an opportunity to come back to Christ and sit in His love for a while to recoup." That is exactly where I have found/need to find my joy. When the demons of loneliness creep into my heart I think about the beautiful way that God holds me and I smile. Oh, sometimes I cry. Sometimes I let the darkness take over and wallow for a bit in my pity and shame, but in the end I do always return to God. He gives me hope when hope is gone and that alone is a reason to sing, I suppose. 

What I need to do is accept that because I am so incredibly broken it is okay for me at times to embrace that brokenness. To let it show because then it is clear that the only good thing within me is God. Without him I crumble. He alone is my strength and in nothing else can true joy be found.
Oh, man, but through him all joy and all peace flows.

What a beautiful reminder.