On the outside

Some days...err nights...I have so many thoughts running through my head that I just opt to not write and go to sleep. This was nearly one of those nights as I do need to wake up in a few hours, but I am not yet tired and I know I will not sleep peacefully until I've written them.

Nyquil is not an option :) 

1. I think it would be beautiful if I genuinely trusted God with the little things in my life. It could be the perfect start. I struggle with holding onto the big things even though I know he can handle them. It astounds me that he would care about the smallest things in my life, but when a friend of mine is sad about something that seems small to me it instantly becomes a bigger issue. I would/have spent hours searching for something that was lost or listening to something that I did not fully understand. If I, in all of my shortcomings, can do this then how much more does God care about the things that are important to us. The little things that we hesitate to bring before him. He is the very definition of love. What we do pales in comparison. Trusting God is the epitome of humility and that is my goal. To trust the one who loves me even though he knows me fully.

2. I have fallen head over heels for the band All Sons and Daughters. I love falling in love with a new band. Realizing that someone out there feels what you feel and can express it so beautifully! 

3. I work with a guy who drives me absolutely mad. I know it is because he reminds me of all that is tragic in the world. He struggles every day with pride, anger, sadness. He is such a broken individual, and the reason it drives me mad...is because he reminds me of my own brokenness.

I try to spend a little bit of time with him every day and every time I see him I say a prayer that his heart would soften, and also that mine would soften towards him. That I could love him and see him as God sees him rather than as my human eyes and heart do. It's not easy.

4. There are some people that I can be around in complete silence and feel as though I am having the time of my life just because I am with them. It feels odd at times and a bit unsettling because I am aware that this means I am becoming too comfortable, and am probably not as guarded as I should be, but right now I am okay with this. Ask me again in a month or two.

5. Last night (Friday) a friend and I stayed awake until around 1am reading the first few chapters of The Magicians Nephew to each other. It was amazing--and I mean that word. I cannot remember the last time I read anything longer than a few pages aloud with someone and it made me long, yet again, for something beyond where I am now. That night I dreamt, as I have often dreamt before, of a family. I love those dreams. In this particular one my husband and I were sitting in bed reading to our children and it felt so warm and comfortable that when I woke up I had trouble actually getting out of bed. I know that now is not the time for such things in my life, but I appreciate the moments when I dream of them because even if they are not in God's plan for my future they are pretty lovely in my dreams.