"...so..."

"I did this so that..."
"I said this so that..."
"I want this so that..."

So.

Have you ever really thought about that little word? Recently I have noticed that when it is used it shows more than a simple reasoning...it shows the state of my heart.

I went to work early today so that I could read before my co-workers came in.
I told my friend I was busy so that I could sleep longer.
I want an ipad mini so that I can blog more frequently.

Each thing, when evaluated further, shows a small snippet of what is inside of me. Whether it is a need for more solitude and reading time. A tendency to lie to fulfill my own desires (and also a lack of proper rest?) Or a desire to express myself hinting towards materialism.

These are the things in my heart and most of them aren't pretty.

So what if I add this word to my prayers?

Father, please let this situation happen so....

So what? So that I can be glorified or so that God can be? Because if at their heart the things that I pray for are for my own personal pleasure RATHER than for the glory of God. (Which let's be honest, is quite often.)  I do not want them. Not really. The greatest desire of my heart is to align it with God's. To seek Him above all things. To die completely to myself and to live in His grace, but I fail at it. Every day I fail, but in truly opening my heart and humbling myself before God with this simple word I have found a shift in certain desires, a strengthening in others, and an overall transformation of the way that I pray.

I love how God moves in the little things
so that He can be glorified :)

Lowly?

I have been praying a lot lately about the state of my heart. I know with confidence that it belongs to God. I also know that it has an innate desire to love and to be loved. The problem is that it neglects to love itself. I was talking to a friend earlier and she said something that kind of floored me. "I guess I just assume that I'm so lowly God just wants to challenge me, not make me happy." Wow. How relevant to my heart. I assume that God gives and then takes away not because he wants me to be happy, but because he is testing me. testing my faith and my commitment to him. I do not know the big picture, but as I grow closer to God one thing I know with full certainty is that he loves me. For no apparent reason he loves me. How much more then does he care for my happiness than I do myself?  I have been praying so long and so hard about what it is that God is trying to say to my heart right now. Lord, I know that you know the desires of my heart and if they are not in your plan for my future, Father, please take them away from me. But if it is your will for me to feel this way, despite the outcome, then Lord not my will, but yours be done. One of the most difficult prayers I have prayed in some time because I did not want to write those words unless I knew that every fiber of my being meant them. That I embraced the cup of unrequited love if it was one from which God wanted me to drink right now because through that heartache he could strengthen me. Draw me closer to him. I can see how God is using me. I can see how he is growing and shaping my life through the joys and the pains. That such a small thing as a relationship can cause this type of impact, however, upsets me. My life has been a roller coaster. I have experienced death and loss on far grander scales, but this one loss has shaken me and I feel so helpless and confused. WHY? Why do I care about this one small thing in the grand scheme of life? I should be out reaching the world not wallowing in rejection and loneliness? My very wise friend, however, also said, "It is a perfectly human response to process rejection negatively and to hurt from it, but if I wallow in that than I am ignoring the grace and beauty of God's unconditional, perfect love. Instead, when I do feel that loneliness or rejection, what an opportunity to come back to Christ and sit in His love for a while to recoup." That is exactly where I have found/need to find my joy. When the demons of loneliness creep into my heart I think about the beautiful way that God holds me and I smile. Oh, sometimes I cry. Sometimes I let the darkness take over and wallow for a bit in my pity and shame, but in the end I do always return to God. He gives me hope when hope is gone and that alone is a reason to sing, I suppose. 

What I need to do is accept that because I am so incredibly broken it is okay for me at times to embrace that brokenness. To let it show because then it is clear that the only good thing within me is God. Without him I crumble. He alone is my strength and in nothing else can true joy be found.
Oh, man, but through him all joy and all peace flows.

What a beautiful reminder.

Instead of a show

I think it is time I put my heart back into a box until it can love as God wants it to love.
Until it knows that it is worthy to be loved and acts accordingly
Until if loves selflessly and without fear
Until it sets pride aside

Hearts should never lead. They are volatile things.

by his wounds we are healed

I am not beautiful.

And that is okay.

This is not to say that I am not pretty. In my own unique way I am, but I have never been nor shall I ever be a stereotypical beauty and that is okay.

Sometimes I like to watch the way that guys interact with the pretty girls. They stumble over themselves for her attention. They quickly become enamored and she either loves it or squirms under their watchful gaze. I think every girl desires to be beautiful at some point. I know that I have, but in the end I notice that what I want more is to simply be known. To have someone see me as more than just a pretty face. Someone who values my opinion, who sees beyond my outward appearance and still finds me beautiful—even when my hair is a mess and my face is wet from crying. Someone who knows the perfect things to make me laugh or the particular smile I give when things are not okay. I want to be known.

But of course, in order to be known (and to subsequently know someone just as intimately) I have to know myself, and I have to know who I am in Christ. A friend and I are starting a series in Ephesians dealing with this exact topic and I do not think it could come at a better time as I have never been more sure of who I am becoming nor more uncertain of who I am.

in my life there are so many questions and answers that some how seem wrong

"In my life there are times when I catch in the silence the sigh of a faraway song. And it sings of a world that I long to see. Out of reach, just a whisper away waiting for me..."    -Cosette, Les Miserables 

Of all of the songs in Les Miserables this is the one I tend to listen to the least. In My Life/ A Heart Full Of Love. It is the moment in the musical that seems most unrealistic. Two people falling in love before they have even spoken a word. Absurd. But the other day I found myself humming the beginning to myself, and when I looked at the lyrics I realized how much larger they were than a simple love song. In my own life I am always reaching for something larger, something far away just beyond my reach. I apply this logic to everything. Family, future, faith...I feel as though I am always reaching, but never quite there. I feel as though if there were something more that I could do or something that I could say then things would be different. I would cross the border and no longer be reaching. 

But therein lies the problem.

You see the knowledge of surrendering one's life to Christ and the application of it are two entirely different things. I want so desperately to just disappear into his grace and trust him for all things, but I let myself get in the way, assuming that there is something I can do that will make a difference. Anxious for the changes that I neglect to see only God can make.

On Sunday, we discussed patience of suffering. James 5:7-8 says

Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until receives the early and the late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts for the coming of the Lord is at hand.

Patient. Patient. Patient. For the past year (and arguably longer I just was not listening) God has been asking me to be patient."Be still," he tells me. "and wait on me. My ways are greater than your ways. My plan is not for evil, but to bring you a future and a hope." I have been trying, but I fail every day. Miserably. I allow my mind to keep me awake concocting stories of what my life could be and how the mistakes I have made will keep those things from happening. But in the darkness like a whisper God tells me to not believe them. "Do not listen to the darkness, my child, stay in the light. I am with you. Always." To these truths I hold, but I am not strong. I allow my insecurities to rule me and I hate it. It is then that I realize that what God is calling me to do is to simply surrender. Not partially. Not for a moment, but to actually die every single day and live in Him alone. While listening to the sermon on Sunday my mind focused not on the actual message--which dealt a lot with patience with humanity and stifling our anger--and could cling only to that which my heart had been yearning for an answer. I had found myself clinging to a hope that little things would make a difference in the future that God had planned for me. How vain! What could I possibly do to make a difference? 

Reading in Acts I came across the story of a wise Pharisee who set free the apostles saying;

So in the present case I tell you, keep way from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them. You might even be found opposing God!-Acts 5:38-39

Satan is crafty, he allows us to feel we have some form of control over a situation. As Christians, however, we have given our control over to God. When we act is is not to sway a situation, but to bring glory to God. 

Father that is my greatest prayer. I know that I will fail, but I know that with you I can do anything. I know that my strength comes from you alone, and I thank you for that. Help me to not be blinded by this world and my own desires, but to cling to the cross and the beautiful sacrifice you made for your glory and for my good. Let me never forget your holiness, your grace, your love. Let me find joy in you alone, Father and let me shine your light in the darkness rather than succumbing to it.

I love you.

The Problem with Air Conditioning

I was listening to a sermon this morning on Mark 6:30-44. The story of Jesus feeding the 5,000. One many of us know quite well and tend to overlook, but it deserves a second look as it certainly highlights our own futility. Our inability to do anything apart from Jesus. In the middle of the sermon the air conditioning turns on and Brad (the pastor) gets distracted. And he says,

"I even like it when the air conditioner kicks on because I think that air conditioner is part of our problem. 'Oh, the air conditioner doesn't work? Call somebody to fix it!'...We are used to getting everything we want and the moment we bump up against hardship we get all flustered because we are the most self absorbed people in the history of civilization and Jesus wants to bring us to a point where we don't have stuff...We don't have air conditioning. We don't have internet. We don't have microwaves...we don't have Macintosh telling us when to update our lives.  All we have is Jesus and that is a blessing not a curse.. Being a Christian is impossible apart from Jesus and He wants to bring us to a point of futility and failure until we see that may God do that in our lives and in the life of his church, even if it makes us uncomfortable. " 

Man, talk about hitting home! How often do we find ourselves taking solace in the things that God has given us, but neglecting to remember that we do not need any of those things. All we need is Jesus. When my car blew up and I was concerned about how I would get around God provided. I did not need the car. I needed to trust in Jesus. When God places amazing people into my life and then takes them away he shows how silly it is to put my trust in humanity. Humanity never satisfies. Jesus alone can truly satisfy our hearts and bring us salvation. Why do we put our trust in the things of this world when we are called to something bigger? God has been doing a great work in my life, on my heart, lately and has humbled me to the point where I am seeing that in the midst of my doubts and my darkness Jesus is the only light that I need and my ultimate satisfaction is found in him alone.

C.S. Lewis is one of my favorite authors. I have been devouring his works and the impact they have had on the world is notable. Lewis was single for most of his life, and God used him for a great work. What if he had been distracted by marriage, by the things of this world, and neglected to do those things. How sad would it be for Lewis if God had used somebody else to do this great work.

 Father, if you have called me to a life of singleness to do great works in your names I praise you for that! I have been humbled by the fact that you could use me in any way for your glory. I gave you my life and I want you to use it as You will and not as I will..

I do not mean this to say that I do not desire marriage. If that is the plan that God has for my future I embrace it! I welcome it with open arms because I know that God's goodness and glory prevails over all things and the gift of marriage is a beautiful one. One that I have dreamed of, but I mean this to say that my ultimate dream and the full desire of my heart--though it waivers because I am human--is to please God. To find joy in the things that he calls me to do. Married. Single. Traveling the world. Being still. I do not care so long as it is what God wants for me. A woman who has been mentoring me and helping me decipher this crazy mind of mine showed me this article that really changed the way I view my own singleness. The entire article is worth a read--and in my case about 3 re-reads and a lot of sharing--but this particular quote jumped out at me,

"It also helps to remember that there are a great many circumstances worse than not being married. One of them is being married to someone who doesn't share your love and desire for God—someone whose commitment divides your commitment."

I know quite a few people who were deceived in dating, and so are now married to people who are nothing like they imagined. Their faith is weak, and they have no desire to strengthen it and though there is certainly love in the relationship it is flighty and lacks true depth. In The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis says, "Human beings can't make one another happy for long...you cannot love a fellow-creature fully till you love God." How very true this is. While our flawed human love does exist, it is not the same as the love we have when we throw ourselves into God's glory and grace. We think we understand love, but all we have is a shadow and it shows through our pride and selfishness. When I think about my future, I know with full certainty that he husband I desire is one who loves God infinitely more than he loves me because I know that through that love he will love our family all the more fully.


I have struggled a lot lately with this peace that God once gave me. I still do not know all of the answers, but I have learned that a good part of that peace was simply to love. Through adversity and selfishness, to love and I will do that for as long as God tells me to do so.

Holy, awesome, wonderful Father may you use me in this life as You see fit. Will you strip my heart of all desires that are not of you, Lord and will you strengthen my heart to do your will for my life. Will you help me to find joy in all that you are and to be satisfied in you alone. I love you Father and I am daily amazed by your goodness and your grace. Let me never lose sight of the beauty of all that you are.

Amen.

Click here to listen to the sermon in its entirety.

You never leave

I am thankful.
Thankful that I serve a God who strengthens me in my weakness.
Who lifts me up when I am down and who loves me even though I fail.
I am thankful.
Thankful for friends who pray for me. Who are not afraid to tell me the truth and who love me enough to keep me from hurting myself further.
I am thankful.
Thankful for a pastor who is humble enough to ask for prayer. Thankful for a friends who send me scriptures and songs to remind me that I am never alone. God is with me and so are they.
I am thankful
It is enough.
I could sing for days about the beauty of this world that my God has made for me. The intricate details that create a beautiful masterpiece. Yes, there is pain, but from pain comes beauty and I have learned that following God's will is not always easy, but it is always right.

Thank you, Father. For the moon. For the stars. For your love and for your grace.

I love you always.

I heard this song Sunday night and I have not been able to get it out of my head. 

Perfectly placed at a time in my life when it was exactly what my heart was trying to say.

Thank you Father.

I am doing a great work and I cannot come down.

There are days when I feel like God is flirting with me.
Little things keep reminding me that no matter how difficult things might seem he is there and will never leave me.
Gosh, I love those days.
This morning I received a text message from a guy that I sort of work with. He's a Marine and we have been trying to hang out for some time, but it has never actually happened. This time, however, he told me that I should come out to Fernandina and I had already planned to go that way. I thought to myself, "Gosh this is perfect! A distraction from my every day life is just what I need and it gives me an excuse to spend some quality time in a coffee shop." I told myself that I would meet up with him after praise band practice and went about getting dressed. I often listen to sermons in the morning and this particular morning I randomly chose to listen to Andy Stanley. What a blessing! I could not be more thankful for what God revealed to my heart in those 27 short minutes. In this sermon, Andy was talking about a verse in Nehemiah (6:1-3 actually) that had really impacted he and his wife and the way they lived their lives. Nehemiah is building the wall of Jerusalem and men are trying to stop him. They have plotted to kill him, and send a messenger to coax him off the wall. Nehemiah's response to them was simply, "I am doing a great work and I cannot come down..."
What a powerful sentiment. God has a plan for Nehemiah and though the temptation to take a break and stop for a moment is great, Nehemiah's eyes are set on God and so he sees the bigger picture. Stopping would only hinder the work that God is doing in him and that is not an option.
I was amazed as I listened to Andy tell the story. He called his congregation (and those of us listening in) to think about the great work that God is doing in our lives and the things that are hindering us. "There is something in particular that you are thinking of right now," Andy said. "And I want you to focus on how different your life would be a year from now if you fixed that issue."
God has been working heavily on me for the past year and of late things have gotten particularly difficult (side note: this excites me because I know that the changes to come will be amazing...still hurts though if I am honest with myself). It would be so easy for me to slip into my old ways. To desire to please man over God. To trust in my own plan for my life and to lean on my own understanding.

But I am doing a great work and I cannot come down.

So I declined the invitation to coffee. Thanked God for again revealing himself to me and went to praise band practice. Afterwards I was given the amazing opportunity to just share my heart with a girl in the band who I have always admired for her heart of worship, her faith in God, and her beautiful marriage. She lives out loud a life that I aspire to one day emulate because it is very clearly giving glory to God in all aspects. As we drove to Target for a shopping adventure I shared with her a few of my current fears and heartaches and she listened with love and helped to alleviate some of my anxiety (I thanked God for this). It was all around far better than I had hoped and as the day went on I was thankful for the peace that God continues to give to me--even though I do not remotely understand it.

Though I normally do not get to attend church on the first Saturday of the month because of M25--which is not something I regret at all. Tonight I managed to do both. God knew I needed it. At M25 I had the opportunity share my testimony about how wonderful it is to serve at one of the assisted living centers in town--man what an amazing feeling to talk about the good works that God is doing in one's life!--and during Ylios--our Saturday service--we had an incredible sermon about what it means to follow God with everything. All of your heart, soul, mind and strength as we are called to do (Mark 12:30) It reminded me that if I want to serve God with everything that I have to trust him. Even when it hurts. Even when I do not understand. He whispered to me that it was okay

I am doing a great work and I cannot come down.

Tonight, just before writing this post I had a moment of weakness. I heard something that genuinely sliced my heart open a little bit. I was confused. I was sad. I was hurt. 

Father, why do you keep telling me to hold on to something that seems to be screaming that it does not want to hold on to me? I am confused, but I trust you

I wanted to cry, but I closed my eyes and remembered that I need to be still. that God is building my confidence.  That he is teaching me to be patient and to trust His will for my life. That he has given me a peace for a reason--even if no one sees it that way. Even if the world thinks I am crazy. I am holding steadfast to what God is telling me despite the pain because I know that God is doing a great work in my life right now and I cannot come down from this wall until it is complete.

Thank you, Father

Click here to listen to the sermon in its entirety

There is something beautiful

about taking a night to remember the simple complexities of who you are and what you love.
Learning to make a new meal, enjoying friends, watching a movie you love.
Little things that get lost in the comings and goings of daily life.
Reading a book you love before bed, making random trips to far away coffee shops, enjoying the warmth of the sun on a beautiful day when you cannot help but to go outside.
Little things that add stability to a heart prone to intense bouts of wanderlust.

Why do I worry?
God knows what I need and provides in His perfect timing.