Dear Joel,

I didn't want to write you. It felt too cliche', but I also couldn't let this day go by without saying a few things. Joel, I miss you. I remember exactly where I was a year ago today. I remember seeing the look on Joanna's face. I can picture her mouthing the words that I never wanted to hear. I can see myself brushing past that couple as I raced into the back kitchen of Houlihan's to ask if I could leave work early--even though we were slammed. I remember falling into my manager's arms as the reality of what I'd been told came crashing down around me. I don't remember how I got to Joanna's--or to Grandma's Shoe for that matter--but I remember sitting with Abby, Drake, Jake, and Justin as we comforted them and ourselves. I remember asking God why I had to go through this pain again...I remember getting back to Joanna's and immediately walking back to Houlihan's...I needed air. I needed to be beneath the stars, and getting my car was the perfect excuse. I remember reading children's books--particularly Where Do Balloons Go?--and watching Peter Pan in a vain attempt for Casey, Joanna, and I to cling to some innocence in the world. I remember it all as if it were yesterday

but it has been a year

I can't believe that time has passed so quickly. I cannot believe how much has changed. Would we have gotten that coffee? Would I have moved without it ever happening? Who can say. All I know is that I miss you, and that the moment you left this world was the moment my changed forever. One often fails to realize the impact of another human being until they are no longer a part of our world. How tragically true. I wish that you could have seen how loved you were Joel. Not only by me and those you left behind, but by the glorious Father in Heaven who created you. I do not know what you thought and felt in those final moments. I do not know if you called out for him, and I will not know until I am united with him in Heaven, but Joel I pray that I see that beautiful smile when I get there. I pray that I get to hear you sing and that we can have that overly delayed coffee date. I feel you in the autumn breeze and though my heart aches; I smile because I knew you. This pain is a reminder of that blessing.

Until we meet again.

Random Post: Take Two

1. I am so incredibly thankful for my church family. My pastors are knowledgeable. They admit their flaws and they cling to the truth of the Gospel. They challenge their congregation to investigate for themselves and to live audaciously for Jesus. I love them so much.

2. I got to talk to Pastor Mike about Joel tonight and it made me feel so much better than I imagined. Realizing it was the anniversary of his death was heart wrenching, but knowing that I have people beside me--even though they were not impacted by that loss--means a lot to me.

3. Pastor Mike and I also talked a bit about how ridiculously sad it is that Christians feel the need to shun anyone who struggles with homosexuality. We discussed how we all struggle with our own sins and that by not loving someone because their sin is different than our own we are essentially not being "Christ-like".

4.I miss food. I am not a fan of being sick and throwing up everything I eat (or at least getting nauseous even if I don't actually throw up).

5. I love singing praises for God and there is something about singing with a band that makes it more personal...even though I think it should have the opposite effect.

6. I am so thankful that Mumford & Sons album came out when it did. I can already see how God and I are going to have some very intimate moments with these songs as another difficult anniversary approaches.

7. I am also thankful that I have this opportunity to try my hand at song writing! It is an area I have always kind of wanted to dabble in and now I have the chance.

8. I'm thankful for the moon, the beach and friends who make memories that last.

9. I miss the boys and I am ready for them to come back.

10. Joanna will be here in less than a week!!!

"I'll kneel down wait for now. I'll kneel down hold my ground..."

I have a tendency to take on a far more social role in life than I truly desire. I want so badly to sit alone and to just think. I'm a reader for a reason. I am my best when I can escape. I'm losing my ability to escape here.

My heart has been so heavy lately. I would blame it on being sick, but it is so much more than that. I try to distract myself from the fact that Sunday is coming, but every breeze reminds me that I am here and that Sunday will be difficult. I know that this is where I need to be, but for just Sunday I wish I were some where else.

I would never wish my friends here to know the extent of the pain inside of my heart. To know the depth of it. they know loss, Father, but they do not know this loss. It is an ache that cuts deeper than just separation. It is my reminder of how much I have failed. How much You have forgiven. 

But I do not wish to face this day alone.

I feel as though I should not be grieving. That my faith should keep me strong, but there are pieces of my heart that are still broken and I think that this is okay...I just need to know how to cope. If I could go back one year this day would be different. We would have coffee and all would be well, but that was not Your plan. I embrace that. I rejoice...I try to rejoice. I am not angry. I feel only sadness.

I have the opportunity to sing again on Sunday and I know that is wholly Your plan. If I did not have this obligation I would have surely locked myself away for the day to grieve on my own, but now I can at least pour my heart into you again. Pleading for the comfort that only you can give. And this time, if I break down I don't care. I'll know that you are with me and that all is well.

I will wait for You.

Random Thoughts: First Edition

The past few days have been pretty great. 

1. For starters, God has given me a pretty awesome accountability partner. I'm excited to dive into Psalms with her and to encourage each other as we memorize scripture and grow closer to God.
2. My church started it's Saturday night services. I thoroughly enjoyed the first night and look forward to the future! I know that any bit of musical talent that I have comes from God. Often when I sing I cannot explain how or why I know which notes to sing. It just happens. I am so excited to have this opportunity to wholly give back to him the thing which he has undeservedly given to me.
3. Joanna comes in 7 days! When I say I miss my best friend and can use an excuse to read children's books, watch Disney films, read, knit, and explore together that is an understatement!
4. The guys should be returning fairly soon. It is a tad ridiculous how much I miss them!
5. My heart has been so heavy lately. Filled with thoughts of Joel and Shea. I had to physically fight back the tears at work the other day as I realized that Sunday will make it a year since I lost Joel. I see his beautiful smile so often in my dreams. It breaks my heart to know that I will never see it in person again....Much longer post about this coming soon..
6. I finished reading Redeeming Love and I highly recommend that everyone read it at least once. It's a very easy, yet powerful story of God's unfailing love. As with all of the books he has placed in my life, particularly this year, it came exactly when I needed it.
7. Mumford & Sons new album Babel is out and they have solidified themselves as one of my favorite bands. 
8. An old friend asked me to be in a "Mumford & Sons/Swell Season-esque" band for him. He wants to practice his hand at production and I cannot tell you how honored I was that he chose me. I have very little confidence in my musical ability so it is the epitome of flattery.
9. I am craving a random epic adventure. I think I will visit my friend Robin in Orlando soon...
10. My commitment to write every day has wavered only because I experienced my first taste of food poisoning. Yuck. I pray I never go through that again.

In which I muse about writing, relationships, and the past

I want to be a better writer. This means I actually have to write.

I don't want to write a book or anything, I just want to be a better writer.

This means I'm committing to writing every single day. Preferably here, but if that is impossible I have a plethora of journals to write in.

My small group--well the female side at least--wrapped up a month long study we've been doing on sex, love, and dating. I've mentioned previously that I was not incredibly excited about the series, but I have to say I am thankful that we did it. It challenged me to think about myself, not as a dater, but as Christian and to re-evaluate the commitments that I have made to myself and to God. Particularly the ones that I have broken in the past. The final portion of this study focused on how we have to set aside our issues now--debt, troubled past, bad habits, etc--because they will only get worse in the future. We were particularly challenged to investigate any latent issues we might have with our parents. To say that I do not love my parents would be a grievous lie. My parents are not perfect, but I do not think I would trade them. As I have grown older I have seen the many ways that my parents have let me down in the past, but I have learned from these shortcomings and I know without a doubt that they were not from a lack of love. My family rarely ate together as I grew older. I think that this is important so I know that when I have a family of my own I will make this a priority. My family stopped praying together when I was very young, but I remember fondly the times when it would happen as a special treat. I loved listening to my father pray for us. I also remember that bedtime stories were my favorites! I would eagerly await my father or mother reading to me and as I grew older they let me read to them. This simple gesture most certainly strengthened not only my love for books, but my imagination as a whole. Both of these--praying and reading together--are habits I will carry out in my own family. I don't know that I have any "issues" with my parents that are hindering me as I grow. I see them as human. Such an unsettling moment in ones life--realizing that your parents aren't really heroes--but wholly necessary. The issues that I will need to address in my life during this year of "date-less-ness" are issues with my own self image and possibly with the men in my life as a whole. I know they play a part as none of them have ever been "reliable",  but allowing this to go on for 26 years is the fault of no one but myself...

And so begins a journey into self discovery.

A favorite past time!

Autumn is on the air!

This morning I wore a sweater and I needed it.

I drove with my windows down and the a/c off.

I watched the sun rise as I walked into work.

I sipped apple cider as I read Isaiah.

I thanked God because this morning was beautiful and exactly what I needed :)

'I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then..."

For the past few weeks I have been struggling a lot with the guilt of my past. Tonight at my small group a line from one of my favorite songs was mentioned and though I've sung the song a million times and loved every word this one line slapped me in the face

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us..."

Wow. You see, it is so easy for us to get caught up in the past that we neglect to understand the indescribable beauty that is Grace. By accepting Jesus as Savior. By giving him our lives we are forgiven of every past transgression we made against him. We are forgiven for all of the times we will fail in the future. We are forgiven and loved wholly.

Wow. I'd also read a verse in Isaiah yesterday that had a similar effect on me.

"You will say in that day: 'I will give thanks to you, O Lord, for though you were angry with me your anger turned away that you might comfort me.'" Isaiah 12:1

I often forget what true love is like. It floors me and I cannot help, but give praise. I am so thankful for the changes that God is/has/and will make in my life. Every day is an adventure. No two are the same. When I wake up tomorrow, I will be a different person because of the light that shines on me from my Father.

I also made the decision today, after a wonderful small group, that it is time for more drastic changes. God is working in my life, but I continue to fight him for my own selfish desires. I am taking a year off from dating (starting today) because clearly men have been a distraction in my life. I know that God is writing my love story and I am willing to wait for the beauty of that story because it is a million times better than anything I could have written on my own. 

How appropriate that today is the international day of prayer! 

So here I stand--well lie--with a heart fully open to God knowing that he will guard it and protect me, and excited for what tomorrow brings.

Not to us...

I have been trying to make memorizing scriptures a priority in my life for multiple reasons.

One: I do not believe that I am an effective witnessing tool if I cannot use scriptures without looking them up. If God's word is so important in my life it should be on my heart.

Two: I strongly believe that having God's Word on your heart makes it easier to cope when your heart breaks. He seeps into the broken places and heals better than anything in this world.

Three: The more I know scripture, the more I fall in love and the more I apply it to my daily life. I have become a different person in these past few months (can't believe it has almost been a year!) and that is only because I told my God that I was sorry for fighting and I wanted to trust and follow all of the plans he has for me. This included knowing his word.

The first verses that I memorized were Psalm 1: 1-3

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked nor stands in the way of sinners nor sits in the seat of scoffers, but his delight is in the law of the Lord and on his law he meditates day and night.

and Galatians 1:10:

Am I now seeking the approval of man or God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man I would not be a servant of Christ.

I chose these verses because I know that I have failed God so many times when it comes to "choosing" between His Will for my life and pleasing the world. I am a people pleaser. the moment I stopped concerning myself with worldly things (though this is admittedly still a struggle!) things in my life made a drastic change. I built stronger friendships (not that the ones I'd made in the past weren't strong, but the ones I was making here were anything but...), I got a great job, and I became more financially secure. It was as if God smiled at me and said, "See how much better things are when you follow my will for your life?" I know that hardships will come my way, but for that reason I also memorized 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 some of my favorite verses. 

At the moment, however, these are the two verses God has placed on my heart to memorize. Psalm 115:1

"Not to us, O Lord, not to us But to your name be the glory because of your steadfast love and righteousness." There is nothing good in me except for what comes from God. I am human, and so susceptible to pride, but I do not want the glory for the goodness in my life. I want my life to be a walking light that points to God (my favorite verse is Matthew 5:16 which also inspired the tattoo on my foot).

Also James 1:2-4

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

I would love to be complete in the eyes of my Savior. I know that I am being tested and I know that I do not always pass his tests. Having these verses on my heart will serve as constant reminder to keep him first and foremost in my life and that if I call upon him he will guide me through every test. every trial. 

I know this is something I will need in the coming months.

 

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder

I don’t believe them.

Absence does nothing for the heart.

You can fool yourself into thinking that your affections for another have grown

You can find that you appreciate what you have lost

You can do or say whatever you like to convince yourself

But the truth is that all absence does is point out what you are missing

So if, in their absence, you realize how much you cared for another

Chances are those feelings were already there you just chose to ignore them

If absence  makes you second guess

Chances are your affections were never quite as genuine as you believed

I do not love my best friend more because she is far away

I only appreciate the physical closeness we once shared more than I did at the time it was at my ready disposal.

We can no longer meet up for coffee on a daily basis so the times that we do are more precious.

Not because I care more, but because they are not as frequent.

Does this make sense?

That being said, I do not think absence makes your heart any less fond either.

What a conundrum.

Today was absolutely beautiful. Sadly, I'm fighting off a cold so I could not go out and enjoy it, but hopefully tomorrow is just as lovely. I love fall. It is by far my favorite season. Sweaters, scarves, warm caramel apple cider... It's the perfect weather for camping and hiking just basking in the beauty of nature. In the glory of God's creation. I wish I still had my bike (and perhaps trails to ride it on), but it is also perfect running weather so that will have to suffice.

I'm just happy that the weather is cooling and hints of fall are on the breeze.

Do they not have pen and paper where you are?

Why is it that written notes and letters are so rare these days? I mean, I understand that text messaging, emails, facebook, etc are easier, but who  receives a letter and says, "Why on earth would this person waste time writing to me??" and tosses it in the bin? Quite the contrary. When we get a letter in the mail it is like Christmas. You're floored that someone took the time to think of you. To write to you Being the writer gives a similar thrill. You imagine the joy on the recipients face upon receiving your note and you are filled with a sense of joyous satisfaction. There is something so much more personal about taking the time to write out how you feel to someone you care about and pop it in the mail. It requires patience, but it also helps to cultivate it. Letters, postcards, and notes are not something you tend to just toss aside once you've read them. You can keep them forever and relive that brief moment of happiness. I wish that letter writing were not nearly obsolete, but I guess that just gives me more incentive to keep writing.

When I'm having a bad day, I read this box of letters that were given to me by some pretty great friends just before I moved from my college town. It certainly brightens my day just seeing them.

On my lunch break, I occasionally visit my friend Wendy's bookshop. Today, I encountered the most adorable couple. They were both mid 70's and had not just a few, but a bag filled with books I was obviously enchanted by this one small fact, but it got better. 

They were from a town just south of Savannah and had driven here just to visit a cabin and read. Yes, this couple wanted to escape every day life into a world of books together. 

I could have cried. It was then that I thought, "I want that some day." 

It is rare that I think of marriage and relationships--though admittedly it has been on my mind more often in the past few months--so this was a very strange moment in my life. My experience with relationships has been less than desirable.  Sadly as you grow older  you realize that most relationships are not as happy as they seem. In fact, most are falling apart and we, as Americans as flawed humans, idealize so many failing relationships because they are entertaining. Who decided that should be the norm?

Now back to this adorable couple. As we sat and chat for a bit they explained to Wendy and I that they woke up every morning at 5:30 to enjoy their coffee together on their porch, and that they often took mini road trips just to experience something new. 

Right then I added this to a pseudo list in my head of what I require of a relationship. My list is quite short, but it is lofty.  

1. I could never date/marry a man who did not love Jesus more than he loves me. It is simple enough. How could you spend your life with someone who did not understand the very core of your being and what makes you who you are. More importantly, a relationship built firmly on a foundation of Christ is one of the most beautiful relationships imaginable. There is no greater love than the one my God showed to me. As Christians, we are called to emulate that love. What could form a better relationship, I ask you?
2. I could never date/ marry a man who did not have an appreciation for music and books. I've been given a strong love and respect for books and music. Not a day goes by that I am not surrounded by both of these things (Thanks,  God!) They are ingrained in my character. I learn more about myself  and the world around me with every book I read, every song I hear. I'm learning the guitar  (and later the piano!) just so that I am able to worship my God more fully and to express myself in new ways...I kind of think I need to be able to share this with someone so important in my life...
3. I could never date a man who does not love adventure. I had a chat with a wonderful friend of mine about how so many couples just sit around and watch television.(boring) That could never be us because we both have insatiable wanderlust.  There is so much beauty in this world. I would never be happy with someone who would say no to my desire to just get up and go on a magic 8  ball road trip or back back across Europe or drive to Canada just because we've never been together.

I am incredibly thankful that I had the opportunity to sit with that couple and chat for just a moment. It gave me the chance to delve a bit more into that convoluted brain of mine and come to terms with the fact that not all relationships are failures. In fact, I'm a bit excited for when God places someone in my life that I can share His  love with, and with whom I can explore this beautiful world He has given us!

Until then

When your dreaming with a broken heart

A co-worker of mine is going through a divorce. I cannot imagine how that must feel to him, but from the outside looking in all I see is heartache. It shows in many ways, arrogance,anger, apathy, but at the heart of each of his mood swings is an indescribable pain. I've tried sharing God's word with him. Particularly Psalms, but when  a person is that broken words seem like nothing more than scratches on a page. He reads them, but his heart is so hardened nothing only God can truly penetrate. Sometimes I'll hear him talking in the other room and my eyes literally well up with tears at the thought.

 Divorce is a horrible thing.

It is the ripping away of self. And, yet, it is so prevalent in our society. 

What does that say for us?

Sometimes I feel like God is flirting with me

I do not mean this to sound conceited.  I in no way feel worthy of this attention from him, but that is part of what makes it so beautiful. I do not deserve him and yet he loves me. No one knows my heart like the one who created it. He knows my every thought. My hidden joys and fears. He understands me better than I understand myself and sometimes I think he likes to show me that. Today the clouds looked like they'd come straight out of a cartoon. When I was a child, I always described heaven as a cartoon. It was a place where anything was possible and I still find myself dreaming about it in that way. When the clouds look like cartoons it always reminds me of that. I also have an affinity for sunshowers. It is my favorite type of weather because it seems out of place. A beautifully clear day with rain! Today, I got both of them and I couldn't stop smiling. My heart was racing and I laughed and cried.

How wonderful to be loved and pursued by a God who knows me fully and still desires me!