Stripping Away

There is a house down the road from my apartment complex with the most obnoxious Christmas decorations. There were lights, blow up snowmen, figures of Santa and reindeer and any other thing you could fit into a yard. As Christmas drew closer I swear they had begun to add even more to their yard. It was ridiculous. I just began to ignore it completely. Yesterday on my way to church I happened to glance in the direction of that house and was shocked to see that the over abundance of Christmas decorum had been completely stripped down. This house had been transformed. The only decorations left were a single border of lights outlining the house and a glowing manger scene.

That's it.

In that moment I saw the genius of this family and commended them. Knowing their house was on a prime traffic street they chose to make a commentary of the ridiculousness of our own show at Christmas, focusing on things like presents and santa etc, and contrast it with the simplicity of what the holiday is really about. Celebrating the incredibly humble birth of our Savior. He was lost in the midst of the clutter, but when we remove all of our distractions we can be surprised by how beautiful a life centered around Christ can be.

something beautiful

God answers prayers in the most amazing ways. I have, for the past few months, been wondering about the best way to make a relationship truly work. Not only romantic relationships, but friendships and most importantly my relationship with God. I have always felt this disconnect when it comes to people, and yet I crave connection. I think that is part of being human. I want so badly to be known and to know someone, and yet I am terrified for that to happen because I do not think I am good enough and that if people knew the real me they would stare at me in disgust and walk away.

And the truth of the matter is that I am not good. I am deserving of those disgusted stares, BUT because of God's presence in my life I am worth more than that as well. (Psalm 16) My most recent relationship was incredibly short, and yet it taught me so much about myself. I dated a guy who I did not think I was worthy to date. He fascinated me. I was drawn to his passion for Christ, his active faith, and his love for adventure, but I saw him as good and so I held back. I was afraid to open up to him--partly because I knew that was having trouble connecting with me and partly because of my own insecurities. When the expected outcome occurred I was pretty sad because in my mind if things could not work with such a great guy that I considered a dear friend how would they work with any other guy that might come across my path? As time went on and I realized the truth in our friendship--that he was just as flawed as I was and that though our sins were different they held the same weight and we had been redeemed by the same God--I began to wonder what I could have done differently in that relationship to make it work. For the longest time I could not find the answer and then tonight, because God is good and his timing is perfect, I had a conversation with a friend about his relationship (one that I admire greatly because for two people so young the influence of Christ's love in their hearts is so evident that I cannot wait to see how God uses that union to bring glory to his name) and he was unknowingly used to answer of few of those questions. From the start their relationship was focused on God and on giving Him the glory. That was something I knew was necessary, but the way it was acted out is so different from what I imagined. He gave himself time to know her as a friend and then asked her father for permission to date her. On their first date they opened up about their darkest sins because if they could not accept the darkness in each other's lives their relationship would never survive. So from the start they planned for the future and accepted that the other was flawed rather than putting each other on a pedestal they humbled themselves before each other and so had no choice but to turn to God for guidance. They faced trials from satan--corrupting their minds and making them think that breaking up was what the other wanted--and overcame realizing that what they truly wanted (and what God wanted for them) was to continue on this adventure together and to embrace the distance trusting him to keep their love strong. And finally they kept each other strong in both their faith and their own insecurities by continually reminding each other through small gestures and occasionally words of what they value in the other person. So often we neglect to say the little things about ways that the people we love show that love, but it is so important to help a relationship grow.

Am I ready for a relationship myself? Who knows. I am continually growing deeper in Christ and in myself and I love each new thing that I learn, but I do feel as though I will never again settle for something less than someone who makes me feel valued and loved in all aspects of our relationship and I am thankful that God chose both of these relationships to show me a glimpse of what a good-God centered relationship can look like.

deception

“Suspicion often creates what it suspects.”-C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

I have found of late that one of the cleverest tricks of the devil is to subtly manipulate my thoughts and allow me to harp on things that are not necessarily real. Take a small inkling and blow it completely out of proportion. Destroying my already withering confidence and attempting to create an idol out of my misery. However, I am well armed with not only the word of Christ, but his hold on my heart. Slipping into despair would be so easy for me without God. My generally happy thoughts take rather sudden turns in the opposite direction, diving straight off of a cliff if not stopped in time. Luckily--though it is clearly more than luck--God is always there to stop me from falling. Lifting me up and reminding me that his word is truth and that nothing can take me from his arms. Not satan's clever schemes or my own childish meddling.
This tricky deceiver's most recent ploy was to play on my perception of love. Such a low blow. Making me question how my love shows in the life of others and in turn how their love shows in my own life. When you love someone do you not often set aside your personal reservations for their happiness? The answer is generally yes, and so when I see in my friendships the familiar signs of disinterest in the things that I am passionate about I begin to second guess the strength of those relationships--calling back on relationships of old where these same signs were seen and led to heartache. The friendships I have now, however, have a marked difference. They are based in Christ and while Christians are most certainly flawed, they have Jesus as their standard and so should be less apt to be so unloving as to treat me the way I have been abused in past friendships. I was blinded to the truth that while setting aside oneself for the happiness of another is a sign of love, honesty is another sign and arguably more important. Why should we have to pretend to enjoy something for the ones we love? Is it not enough to do the things we do not enjoy without lying about them as that makes it clear that the only reason we are doing said things is out of love? I'm not sure that I have the answer. Each person is different. I enjoy doing things--regardless of the middle portion--that makes my loved ones happy. Their joy makes the task enjoyable for me. The same cannot be said of other people with differing personalities.

Nevertheless, this was one battle that satan did not win. God worked on my heart and allowed me to see the pride and error of my thoughts. Something he continually does and that will never cease to amaze me.

Thank you, Father.

scrambled prayers

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Please take away all desires that are not of you.

Mend my heart.

Remove my pride.

Take away my double-mindedness and allow me to follow you fully.

Please, Father, take away this emotional block within me.

I want to feel you. I want to know you. I want my focus to be wholly on you and not on this world because this world is filled with disappointments and rejection, but you are the amalgamation of all that is good. You are the reason I sing and I want to feel that through every fiber of my being.
 I want your light to be the only thing that emanates from my heart. I want your words to be the only that I mutter, but I am so blinded by pride, by selfishness, by the world.

Father, you've shown me how to love. The importance of setting oneself aside for the joy of others and I love it. I love the reception of your love reflected on the faces of those around me. I love the opportunity you gave me today to feel the love of a child. Brimming from every fiber of their being. They hold nothing back, Father and that is beautiful. I want to love like a child. I want to feel the love of a child to always remind me of that simple joy, but now is not my time.

I want to feel the love of another. To know that in this life there is one who finds joy in my joys as well. Who will read with me even if he does not like the books. Who will sing with me even if he does not know the words. Who will hold me when my prayers can only be expressed through tears. But now is not my time. Father, if it is not your will for me to have this life I dream of, please take these desires from me that I might fully focus on you and not on the love of this world. 

what is man that You are mindful of him?

Psalm 8 holds a special place in my heart. Sometimes when I find myself in complete and utter awe at the beauty of the world around me I cannot help but to think, "When I look at the heavens, the works of Your fingers, the moon and the stars which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him and the son of man that you care for him?" (v.3-4).
We are surrounded by such beauty and we take it for granted, but even more than that we are so incredibly tainted that it baffles me that God loves us so much that he gave us these beautiful sunrises and sunsets, the stars, the moon, the oceans and rivers to destroy and corrupt with our brokenness. When I was a child growing up in Connecticut I remember playing in a wood behind my house that held my own secret grotto. There was a small pond with a plethora of colorful pebbles and trees that made a small canopy over it. I would go down there and sit and marvel at the beauty of everything around me. It was the place I felt most at home. As I have gotten older I still find solace in nature, but it is not so prevalent. I am more apt to curl up in a comfy chair with a book  when I need to lose myself than to climb a tree. I am not sure how that changed, but it is a part of life. I see the adventure that books hold and as I am in a stagnant stage of my life (adventure wise...spiritually I am on a bit of a roller-coaster. Woo!) true adventures are harder to come by and I also am less inclined to go alone and love the idea of having someone share my adventures with me.
I am incredibly thankful for the life that I have here. For the friends that I have made that love and challenge me every single day. For my church that has helped me grow exponentially, changing the way I view myself and the church in general. For the opportunity that I have to sing worship twice every week and for the beautiful ladies (and Daniel) at the assisted living home who remind me of the importance of losing yourself in worship to God. There is so much here that I love and am thankful for and if God wants to keep me here longer I will not argue
but I'm ready for a real change.
I know that God has something big in store for me. I know this why he is teaching me patience, and I am trying, but the urge to move on is so strong I can barely contain it. I want to see mountains. I want to travel the world. I want adventure, and I'm not going to find those things here. This has been a year of tremendous growth. I could not thank God enough for all that he has done for me, and for that reason (and because I know without a doubt in my heart that I can trust his promises) I am fine with waiting on him, but that voice in my head keeps singing to me, urging me to spread my wings and fly on.

You alone

I can very easily get caught up in myself. Pride is a difficult thing to shake, but once you are aware of it slowly God works through those prideful moments and uses them to bring glory to his name.
This morning I asked a my pastor, his wife, and sons (well one is his son in law, but why get specific) to pray for a friend who I know has got a lot on his mind. Work and family things are all coming to a head and without God it is too much to handle. Immediately I got responses from the four of them informing me that not only were they praying, but they were stopping everything in that moment to pray for him. In that moment I was reminded of how powerful prayer is. So often people equate it with mere thoughts (how often do we hear non-Christians say, "You're in my thoughts." as if that means something. Apart from God it really does nothing for me to know that you are thinking about the troubles I am going through). Prayer is so much more than that. Prayer is standing before God opening your heart and trusting him to move in the way that He needs to move. In that moment I felt a sudden warmth and had to fight back tears. I was so thankful to be a part of this family of believers.
At my small group tonight we were going through Philippians 3 and at the start I felt my heart harden as I listened to our group bicker before the study began. I wanted to distance myself, but I prayed for God to soften my heart and allow me to receive his word. As the study went on I found myself fascinated. I listened as so many people who rarely get to speak opened up about what they were seeing in God's word. I reflected on the changes God has made in my life through this year with them as well as the changes I see in all of our group and I realized that even my simple prayer at the beginning of the study had been answered. God has truly shaped this group into something bigger than itself.
As the study drew to a close I had the opportunity to pray for a very dear friend, but also to thank God for blessing each of us beyond our expectations. A year ago, none of us could have imagined that we would be surrounded by such an eclectic, yet wonderful group of individuals changing our worlds for the glory of our savior.

But here we are.

Father, thank you so much for these people. In you alone let us find our strength.
You alone could bring this group of people together. You alone could call our hearts to you. You alone can change them. Could shape them day by day to become more like you.To you alone be the glory for all that has been done to us, to all that is being done right now and for all that you will do in the future and to you alone do we sing praise.

Thank you Father.

On the outside

Some days...err nights...I have so many thoughts running through my head that I just opt to not write and go to sleep. This was nearly one of those nights as I do need to wake up in a few hours, but I am not yet tired and I know I will not sleep peacefully until I've written them.

Nyquil is not an option :) 

1. I think it would be beautiful if I genuinely trusted God with the little things in my life. It could be the perfect start. I struggle with holding onto the big things even though I know he can handle them. It astounds me that he would care about the smallest things in my life, but when a friend of mine is sad about something that seems small to me it instantly becomes a bigger issue. I would/have spent hours searching for something that was lost or listening to something that I did not fully understand. If I, in all of my shortcomings, can do this then how much more does God care about the things that are important to us. The little things that we hesitate to bring before him. He is the very definition of love. What we do pales in comparison. Trusting God is the epitome of humility and that is my goal. To trust the one who loves me even though he knows me fully.

2. I have fallen head over heels for the band All Sons and Daughters. I love falling in love with a new band. Realizing that someone out there feels what you feel and can express it so beautifully! 

3. I work with a guy who drives me absolutely mad. I know it is because he reminds me of all that is tragic in the world. He struggles every day with pride, anger, sadness. He is such a broken individual, and the reason it drives me mad...is because he reminds me of my own brokenness.

I try to spend a little bit of time with him every day and every time I see him I say a prayer that his heart would soften, and also that mine would soften towards him. That I could love him and see him as God sees him rather than as my human eyes and heart do. It's not easy.

4. There are some people that I can be around in complete silence and feel as though I am having the time of my life just because I am with them. It feels odd at times and a bit unsettling because I am aware that this means I am becoming too comfortable, and am probably not as guarded as I should be, but right now I am okay with this. Ask me again in a month or two.

5. Last night (Friday) a friend and I stayed awake until around 1am reading the first few chapters of The Magicians Nephew to each other. It was amazing--and I mean that word. I cannot remember the last time I read anything longer than a few pages aloud with someone and it made me long, yet again, for something beyond where I am now. That night I dreamt, as I have often dreamt before, of a family. I love those dreams. In this particular one my husband and I were sitting in bed reading to our children and it felt so warm and comfortable that when I woke up I had trouble actually getting out of bed. I know that now is not the time for such things in my life, but I appreciate the moments when I dream of them because even if they are not in God's plan for my future they are pretty lovely in my dreams.