something beautiful

God answers prayers in the most amazing ways. I have, for the past few months, been wondering about the best way to make a relationship truly work. Not only romantic relationships, but friendships and most importantly my relationship with God. I have always felt this disconnect when it comes to people, and yet I crave connection. I think that is part of being human. I want so badly to be known and to know someone, and yet I am terrified for that to happen because I do not think I am good enough and that if people knew the real me they would stare at me in disgust and walk away.

And the truth of the matter is that I am not good. I am deserving of those disgusted stares, BUT because of God's presence in my life I am worth more than that as well. (Psalm 16) My most recent relationship was incredibly short, and yet it taught me so much about myself. I dated a guy who I did not think I was worthy to date. He fascinated me. I was drawn to his passion for Christ, his active faith, and his love for adventure, but I saw him as good and so I held back. I was afraid to open up to him--partly because I knew that was having trouble connecting with me and partly because of my own insecurities. When the expected outcome occurred I was pretty sad because in my mind if things could not work with such a great guy that I considered a dear friend how would they work with any other guy that might come across my path? As time went on and I realized the truth in our friendship--that he was just as flawed as I was and that though our sins were different they held the same weight and we had been redeemed by the same God--I began to wonder what I could have done differently in that relationship to make it work. For the longest time I could not find the answer and then tonight, because God is good and his timing is perfect, I had a conversation with a friend about his relationship (one that I admire greatly because for two people so young the influence of Christ's love in their hearts is so evident that I cannot wait to see how God uses that union to bring glory to his name) and he was unknowingly used to answer of few of those questions. From the start their relationship was focused on God and on giving Him the glory. That was something I knew was necessary, but the way it was acted out is so different from what I imagined. He gave himself time to know her as a friend and then asked her father for permission to date her. On their first date they opened up about their darkest sins because if they could not accept the darkness in each other's lives their relationship would never survive. So from the start they planned for the future and accepted that the other was flawed rather than putting each other on a pedestal they humbled themselves before each other and so had no choice but to turn to God for guidance. They faced trials from satan--corrupting their minds and making them think that breaking up was what the other wanted--and overcame realizing that what they truly wanted (and what God wanted for them) was to continue on this adventure together and to embrace the distance trusting him to keep their love strong. And finally they kept each other strong in both their faith and their own insecurities by continually reminding each other through small gestures and occasionally words of what they value in the other person. So often we neglect to say the little things about ways that the people we love show that love, but it is so important to help a relationship grow.

Am I ready for a relationship myself? Who knows. I am continually growing deeper in Christ and in myself and I love each new thing that I learn, but I do feel as though I will never again settle for something less than someone who makes me feel valued and loved in all aspects of our relationship and I am thankful that God chose both of these relationships to show me a glimpse of what a good-God centered relationship can look like.