Without words

I think we place far too much importance on words.
This seems a strange statement to be made from a girl who always keeps a book or 2 on her person, but I still believe it to be true. Oh, words are a beautiful way of expressing ourselves, but without actions, without truth, they are empty. It is our actions that give meaning to our words. They breathe a life into them that mere lettering alone cannot do.When I tell you I love you, I want you to be able to smile and say, "I know." because my every action has already made this clear. When I am happy or sad, confused or intrigued, my face gives me away before I have the chance to verbalize these emotions.

Is the same not true of our faith? We are called to be a light into the darkness, and yet so many of us fall into the mode of being "normal." We blend, we do not stand out and I am the greatest culprit. The greatest desire of my heart is to be so in tuned with God that without words I scream his praise. I fail every single day at this, allowing the my worldly weariness to overwhelm me, but oh when He shines what a glorious moment.

I am often afraid of what the future holds. I fear myself, and I fear those around me. I stumble blindly through the darkness, but with God by my side and his word as a light I am able to climb above. I am able to shine and to see and if I light a a candle in my heart it will eventually shine brightly enough for the whole world to see.

That is my prayer.

Father, shine through me.

How quickly we forget

This morning I was reading Psalm 77. It is a beautiful psalm crying out for God to remember. How quickly we forget how much we are loved. I wonder if it truly ever sinks in for me. There are moments when I am almost euphoric about God's love for me and this dying, broken world. There are moments, however, when I feel lost. I feel as though I am drowning and crying out to God thinking he does not hear, but that is as far from truth as God's love is from the east to the west. He always hears. He always remembers--if you can wrap your brain around it God is the very act of remembering itself! How could he forget?--it is we who forget.

Sometimes when I pray I feel a block. Undoubtedly it is my own prideful fear preventing me from having faith in my prayers.

Sometimes when I pray I become overwhelmed--a flood of emotion washing over me bringing me to my knees.

Sometimes when I pray, however, what I feel is something that can only be described as a stillnessa quiet peace within me that assures me that no matter the outcome he is with me and all will be well.

I recently had coffee with a friend. He fascinates me. Our entire relationship up until this point was comprised of brief chats outside of our apartments. Our schedules rarely mesh and yet God was waiting for the perfect timing. As we sat outside of Starbucks our conversation bounced from life to books to music to superheroes. Each passing minute getting more and more intense as we tried to wrap our brains around the complexity of another human being. All the while I prayed silently to God both for an opening to profess my faith with the boldness I felt it deserved and thanking him for placing this incredible human mind before my own. Each topic touched briefly on the outskirts of faith, but there was no opening to truly take a plunge. And then suddenly there was a shift. I am not sure what I said, but it garnered an incredulous look. He leaned forward, squinted his eyes in concentration and said, "I'm curious. What brought you to this point in your faith? Its evident that, like me, you truly think about every situation so what made you believe what you believe?" I was stunned. I blinked a few times and leapt directly into my testimony--by the grace of God I had shared it only the week before with my small group. My thoughts were cohesive for once. With every pause he urged me on with questions of his own, questions of science and theology of doubts mixed with a desire to simply learn, it was incredible. When I reached the end he said, "You're something else." I smiled and attributed that also to God. He explained to me his hesitations in Christianity, but made it clear that he wanted to talk further. We talked for another few hours, always coming back to God. I did not want the conversations to end. For the first time I was wholly confident in myself and in my faith and I knew that this was something that could only have been a gift from God. I was reminded of Harry staring into the Mirror of Erised. Only by wanting to acquire the Philosophers Stone--acquire, but not use for his personal gain--was he able to get it. It was only when I prayed simply for wisdom with the intent of love--love and nothing more--was I able to be confident and truly trust God.

In a similar vein another friend recently came back into my life at a moment when he unknowingly would need God most. By pure chance he showed up in my office for military business. We hadn't spoken in weeks. He was avoiding me, afraid perhaps that I might disapprove of his actions, but now he was moving and his time was short. We hurriedly made plans to hang out and he suggested that he join me for small group. As our group discussed our prayer requests, he received a phone call. A friend of his who had been stationed overseas was either killed or seriously injured. He was terrified. We prayed immediately. And then he received the confirmation he dreaded most in that moment. His best friend had been killed.

There are no words to comfort another in that moment. Nothing that anyone except for God can do, but it became overwhelmingly clear to me what God had done. This friend who had strayed so far from his faith would have been alone in his barracks room when he received this information. He would have had no way to reconnect with the wife of this now gone friend. He would have had no one to offer him assurance of God's goodness in tragedy, a hug, or just the presence of another human. In his moment of despair who knows what he would have done, but God, knowing what was to come, put him exactly where he needed to be. Surrounded him with people who would pray for him, take him where he needed to be. He surrounded him with people who truly loved him, and I could not have been more thankful. Was I a necessity in that situation? Of course not, but God chose to use my friends and I to show his love. Wow.

God moves in the stillness. He is there when we think he is distant. He is there when we do not hear him, and a simple examining of the world that he has given us proves that. All creation sings his majesty.

Sometimes we miss that. Sometimes we forget, but sometimes we are thrown into God's goodness and the memory of how large he is can bring us to our knees.

"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might mong the peoples."

-Psalm 77: 11-14 ESV

Lately

I have felt as though I am floundering.
I have a thousand things racing through my head constantly and an overwhelming desire to write, and yet when I attempt to formulate those thoughts into coherent sentences all that comes out is silence.

I want God to speak truths into my heart. I want to feel my thoughts align with His, but I am so overwhelmingly flawed by my own pride. I get in the way of God and nothing seems to make sense.

Sometimes I feel as though people look to me for some profound insight into their hearts. To enlighten their walk with God as if I were more in tune with what He is saying to them, but when I listen all I hear is the noise of my selfishness screaming.

Father,
"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander [that] my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior"
Amen.