Your Love is strong

Heavenly Father,
I cannot fathom the depth of your infinite love. You cover me with grace.
I cannot stay afloat.
When I doubt, Lord, no matter how far I stray You are there. You lift me up. You strengthen me.
When I am still you answer me. Me! So unworthy to hear from you over and over again, yet there you are.
How can I help but to praise you?
Father, you amaze me.
I thank you for the strength and peace that you give. A peace, Father that can only come from you because without you I would noticeably drown in my own selfishness and misery.
Lord, I praise you for who you are.

Amen

"My soul belongs to God, I know
I made that promise long ago.
He gave me hope when hope was gone he gave me strength to carry on"
-Les Miserables

uncertainty

My confidence is shaken.
I still cannot make sense of my prayers.
Why do I only feel peace in the one thing that I cannot have?
The one thing that evades me?
Each answer only brings more questions.
I do not doubt you, Father.
I do not doubt that your will is perfect, but I doubt myself.
I doubt what I am hearing. I doubt what others have heard because they cannot both be true.
Am I trying to bend your will to mine? Do I want this so badly that I have created an answer on my own?
Father, I do not know anymore.
I thought I heard you, Lord.
I thought I knew, but I was wrong.
My confidence is shaken, Lord, I need you.
I keep asking for clarity and You give it so well. Am I hearing you incorrectly.
Why do I now feel lost and uncertain?
Not in you, Lord, but in myself.
I feel so small.
At times I want to scream. I want to cry.
I want to lose myself in You, Father and not emerge until I am certain of Your will for me in this.
Reveal yourself to your servant that you may be glorified!

a peace

thankful for the God I serve

"with every breath I breathe

with every song I sing

I want to shout it out

'God I am listening

to every word you speak

I'll go where You will lead

to love the least of these 

is my greatest offering.'"

Romans 8:26

When everything else fades

God you are there

and I may not always feel you

I do not always understand you

You might break my heart, but I know it is only to make it stronger

to bring me closer to you, Lord and for that I am so thankful

I do not know how to pray to you right now, God other than to thank you

other than to praise you, Father for being you

For being Lord of my life

for saving me

for breaking me

for building me up again

I love you

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

-Romans 8:26-28

In Christ Alone

Father, I trust you.
when my world is shaken
when my peace walks away
when sense evades
Father. I trust you.
when I am afraid
when I am lost
when I am alone
Lord, I trust in you
Nothing else in this world makes sense
Nothing else can bring me joy
Show me your way and I will follow
You are my only one


I may not always understand what God wants for me. Quite often I do not. The world is a scary place, and though I might be sad I am not afraid because I feel God holding me close and reminding me that he has a plan for me and for my future. It is greater than the one I have set for myself so when the shadows fade and the night turns into day I will not be alone.

You are with me.

What is it?

What is it about the night that spawns seeds of insecurity that feed one's deepest fears?
What is it about the silence that grows them into something you cannot fight alone?
What is it about a heart that makes it so afraid to show those fears?
What is it that binds them in the darkness waiting for the perfect moment to attack?

I am so thankful for a God who knows my every thought and fear
Who cradles my heart in his hands and draws me near to him asking me to trust him.
His plans exceed my own.
I am thankful for a God whose love not only pierces the dark but utterly destroys it as I give him the reins of my life.

I surrender to you, Lord.
All I am is yours.

Silent dreams

dry eyes brimming with tears
full heart bursting with words left unsaid
I wrapped all unspoken whispers into the fibers of my being
and prayed my embrace could convey what words and tears could not express

Father, I am setting aside my fears. My faith and confidence come from you alone. You put such amazing people into my life. Far greater than I deserve. Allow me the wisdom to express my heart. Grant me the words that so easily evade and turn my will to yours that I might walk only on the paths you have set for me. You are so wonderful and I thank you so much for all you have given me. From the clear night sky to the warmth in his embrace, Father you astound me. You know my every thought. Forgive me for my pride. Forgive me for my doubts.You continue to answer my deepest unspoken prayers. I marvel in your presence.

beautiful simplicity

I went to Savannah today with two friends. We roamed the city with no set purpose or plan and I adored it. There is something lovely about enjoying a place for merely existing. About taking a moment to just take in the beauty of something new. I had been to that city before, but there was so much that I had never seen. Never appreciated. I loved taking a second to look at the unseen.
Do you ever find yourself noticing something that you have overlooked? A certain way your loved one smiles or a sentence in your favorite book or song that takes on new meaning with a second glance? I love how vast our world is. Filled with things that we will never understand because they are always changing.

Noticing the beauty of the simplicity of a hug or a smile or the holding of one's hand.
It makes each day brighter. I rejoice in the simple things.

Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear?

I have been reading this book by Ravi Zacharias called "I, Issac, take thee Rebekah." It is a beautiful book about getting beyond the fantasy of romance to the greater reality of lasting love. My personal experiences with love--through both my parents and grandparents--have been quite far from what I would want to emulate in my own life and so when I saw this book I was eager to read it. In one of the chapters Ravi describes how love goes above and beyond what is expected of it in the most simple of ways. Doing everyday tasks like taking out the trash when are not really in the mood to go outside become acts of love towards your spouse as well as acts of worship to God.
I prayed to see this some day in my own life and was amazed to see it displayed so quickly. At church tonight a friend of mine asked her husband to get batteries for her guitar. Without hesitation he asked her if there was anything else that he could get her while he was out. She smiled and said no. She was going to walk out with him to get her guitar, but our worship leader called us aside to explain somethings about the set. Just as he was finishing up the conversation with us in walks my friend's husband with her guitar. He hands it to her. She blushes and thanks him. He kisses her on the cheek and leaves to get the batteries. I couldn't help but to smile myself. So that is what it looks like. Nothing showy or grand just a simple giving of oneself to another. I know their relationship is not easy. No relationship is, but they are rooted in God together and care so deeply for one another that their hardships are nothing they cannot overcome. I am not a huge romantic. I have never been able to bring myself to believe in romance, but I realize that this was because I did not truly know what it was. I grew up with Disney films and bad chick flicks that show a superficial kind of love. True love is found in the humblest of relationships. Instead of a show there is a display of total surrender to the heart of another person.

That is the love I hope to show to my future husband. That is the love that I pray my children see in us because I know now that God wants me to never settle for less than that.

It makes me very sad that this form of love is so difficult to find these days. I was reading this same book at work the other day and a friend of mine in the Marines came up and asked me about it. When I showed it to him he said that he was very much intrigued by the topic. We are not particularly close. Up until this point all of our conversations had been very superficial and focused most prominently on us attempting to find time to get together after work. Yet as he read the description of the book he audibly expressed that this was a fear, a question in his own life—wondering if he could find that type of love for himself. If it truly existed. He is very family oriented, and dreams of one day having a family of his own, but the actual execution is difficult. love is terrifying.
My question is: why? Why is it so scary? Why is it so difficult for us to open up to another person? To put ourselves out there knowing that in the end we could be broken? I believe my answer comes in the form of media and society's cheapening of the word love. Cheap and fast pleasures have become the norm. temptations are great. The time and commitment of true love is no longer seen as worth it. Oh, but it is. I was once terrified of that myself. Rightly so. I had been tempted and failed in a desire to please man over God. In a confusion of what it meant to be in love and to give of oneself. I learned my lessons well. At times I am still afraid, but I can see that with God there is nothing to fear. If my heart is broken again I will not be happy, but I will learn from it and move on trusting that God's will for my life will be done. I do not have all of the answers, but I love learning, and more importantly seeing evidence of what love can become when focused around God. Yes, I have made mistakes, but they have taught me to fully appreciate grace. Yes, I have fears, but they are small because I know that if a perfect love comes my way it will drive out those fears.
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There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (1 John 4:18 ESV)

Doubt thou the stars are fire

Doubt that the sun doth move

Doubt truth to be a liar

But never doubt my love

-Hamlet

Tonight at my small group we had a discussion on the influence of doubt both in our faith and in ourselves. It was amazing to listen as each girl explained some of the fears of their hearts. In Matthew 8: 23-27 tells the story of Jesus calming the storm. His disciples, having seen him perform numerous miracles at this point, doubted whether or not he could save them from the storm, and when Jesus calmed the sea they marveled at his power. I think that in a similar way I often doubt whether or not God will help me through certain situations. Forgetting the incredible amount of miracles he has already performed in my life--primarily continuing to draw someone as incredibly flawed as I am into his arms--I let fear cloud my heart and mind. Through it all, however, Jesus is still there telling me to trust him. I have, of late, asked him to be blatantly obvious with me. "Shake me until I listen!" I beg of him because I know that I am an idiot who needs all of the coaxing in the world before I can believe something. I recently struggled with taking a very big chance. Risking my heart and taking a leap of faith that it would not be broken. I asked God for guidance and he gave me a pretty clear answer, but when fear crept in I asked for advice from man and not from God and I was led astray. When my heart was heavy and my mind was confused I turned back to God begging for clarity and again he gently responded in a way I would not have expected. 

I do not know what the future holds, but I do not doubt the mark of God that I see on my life right now. Matthew 8:5-13 tells the story of a centurion with remarkable faith. Jesus marveled at this man's faith and as I read that story today I felt myself yearning for the strength to be that.

I have so much in my life to be thankful for at the moment, but the greatest of these is the hope that I have in my savior. He reminds me that I am loved and important because I am his child.

Thank you, Father.

goals

I do not believe in new year's resolutions. I know myself well enough to understand that a new year is not a good enough reason for me to make a goal to change something in my life. I have been in a constant state of transformation for the past few months and while I would love to say that this will carry on forever I also know that at some point I will plateau and become a big stagnant...and I think that is alright. I randomly tell myself that there are certain things I will do more of (like take pictures!) and then I never do so....fail.

Last year I did set a goal to read 50 books. On paper I fell short by 3. In reality I met that goal by re-reading quite a few books. This year I plan to read 42 books. Why less? Because I know that I can comfortably read that many and have time to re-read as many as I like without falling short. I want to journal more so that my writing doesn't come off as a ramble and has more structure. I want to be less selfish and prideful (which means I want to always be praying and to truly become humble). These are not my goals for the year, however. They are small goals for my life.

I do have one goal for the year: I want to leave the country again.

Even if it is just to Canada or Mexico I want to see something new and to sate my wanderlust.

Note: If I did make new year's resolutions I'd be failing. I haven't journaled at all this year and I am attempting to read 3 books at once. Change is a gradual process.