okay

I have to remind myself that it is okay to be sad.

It is okay to have bad days and to just want to curl up in bed with tea and a book and escape reality for a day.

It is okay to want to disappear.

To want to run away

I won't do it. 

I know that right now I can't.

 I'm waiting on God, but it is still okay to be sad.

I have to remind myself.

It is okay because being sad reminds me that I cannot go this journey on my own.

I'm incapable. 

Alone I fail.

It is okay to be sad

As long as I do not let the sadness rule me.

Letting Jon Foreman sing my prayer tonight.

A friend sent me this from Postsecret and it made me smile. I love the things that bring people together.

rejection

Nightmares do not always involve terrifying creatures or unrealistic situations. The ones I have had lately center around simple disappointments in real-life situations with a dreamlike twist.

Last night I dreamt that an ex of mine--with whom I was still close friends--had started dating another friend of ours. I was happy for them, but there was a slight pang in my heart because I instantly noticed a change in him. Where he had been so apathetic in our relationship, he was quite the opposite with her. I did not care as much that his affections were no longer mine because what we had could not truly be called affectionate, instead the pang clearly came from a hidden notion that something in me kept him from connecting with me in that way. Kept every guy I'd dated from the same, and while in my waking hours I would feel these thoughts were fairly absurd, in my dreams I could not deny that my dating life had ultimately come to this point where I realized I'd been hearing the same thing for years--that they just could not find genuine affection for me. 

I yet again prayed for peace and wisdom, but unlike the night before I felt a block.

I, in no way, trusted God to grant me that peace I desired. I knew that he could, but I did not believe that he would. I had found that my disconnect in every relationship was a fear of rejection. It kept me from wholly opening up to any one person and I was allowing that fear to get in between God and I.

Seriously?! How ridiculous! How many times did God tell me that he would never leave nor forsake me? Why does my mind allow me to equate my Creator to the people who have let me down? Humans are flawed. I know this, but I see them every day. I interact with them all of the time, and though God has more than shown me that His word is truth in the way that he has pursued me relentlessly for 26 years I have not given him this particular fear and like a child allowed it to stand in the way of our relationship. 

I was guarding my heart against the one whom I should never be guarded.

But I do not understand that concept. Should I not always be guarded?

A year ago, I thought little of marriage, family, even romantic love. I've always been a girl who is interested in, but in no way truly invested in these things. For the past few months, however, it has been on my mind. I have tried to understand my thoughts and desires for such things and bit by bit certain things have come to light for most of it, but relationships have always eluded me. I have heard time and again that "we accept the love we think we deserve." and should have realized that this apathetic, unattached "love" was what I thought it all was about.

That's not true at all.

There is a reason fairy tales are so well loved. Yes, they add in elements of the fantastic, but there is more. We desire someone to fight for us, to woo us, to make us feel important and those things do not exist only in a fairy tale.They can, and do exist in real life. Why would I settle for less than that? These are the exact things that Jesus did for me. He fights for me daily as I pray to him for guidance. He woos me with the sunrise, the flowers, the moon. He died so that I might be joined with him one day in heaven, and if no one else existed he still would have died just for me. Talk about feeling important.That's amazing, and the greatest love story of all. Why on earth would I settle for anything remotely akin to apathy?

Father, please help me to guard my heart against those who do not deserve it, but also help me to open myself up to those whom you deem worthy of my affections. Give me the wisdom to know the difference, Lord and to not be blinded by my self. You have already given me a love story better than any there ever was, and if it is your will for me to experience a similar love here on earth that would be awesome, but if it is not your will be done. Your plan for me is perfect. I know and am coming to believe that. I trust you, God. I know that you are with me always. Let me not be blinded by my selfishness, my pride. Shape my heart and make it sing only for you. Break down the walls that hold me back. Take away the shame of pride so that your light might genuinely shine from me. It is amazing the changes you can make to a heart and I am excited to see all that you do to mine.

I love you.

Amen.

Last night I dreamt that I was going to die.

My mother and I were waiting in a dungeon for our coming execution and I was terrified. I knew that death was nothing to fear, but I kept thinking of all the life I had not lived. I knew nothing of home, family, love. There was so much for me to learn, to see, to experience and it was all slipping away.

I kept reassuring myself (and my mom) that death should not be feared. That in dying we could finally live. All that we wanted to feel or be would be wrapped into ultimate union and praise with our savior. What better way to spend eternity?

But I was still afraid. I woke up unsettled and concerned. I prayed for wisdom and peace and attempted to sleep again--at this point my roommate's dog started barking incessantly.

Fear of death is natural. More than anything, I think it is a fear of the unknown and a desire for control. Something I struggle with in my adventure with God is giving up control. I know completely that the plans he has for me are perfect. I know that he desires me to give him control for this reason. In the book of Jeremiah, he makes a similar plea to the people of Judah who have turned from him.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 

 -Jeremiah 29:11-13

These people have run from God--as I did. He is punishing them, but in the midst of the punishment he gives them hope and pleads with them to trust him because he has a glorious plan for their lives. 

Giving up control is a daily struggle and I want so badly to do it. I do not know what is holding me back, but I am determined to find it because I cannot find true joy without total trust in God.

Only God can provide true joy and fulfillment and only a single pursuit of Him can ensure it.

I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful 

During my intended quiet time yesterday I was reading Lamentations and this song came on my lastfm station completely exemplifying all that I have felt yesterday (and this morning actually!). I say "intended" because that was my plan, but God had a better one. He sent me two friends to discuss and share portions of my faith with them. One said he wanted to take a break from my group for a little while, but wanted to study one of the gospels with me. Another said that she hadn't been to church in years, but that she was interested in giving mine a shot.
Thank you, Father! I am always awed by the ways you choose to use me for your will! Allow me to continue growing close to you and ultimately surrender all of myself to you.

searching for home

When people talk to me about home it makes me happy. I love hearing of a place filled with nostalgia that no matter how far you travel you long to return. Whether it is the people or the place itself, something draws you in. People light up when they talk about home. It is the place they belong and though it is not the place that they currently live--and in some places it is not the place where they want to permanently live--it is the place that they call their own.

I have never had such a place. I have a longing to return to London because the place itself drew me in, but I know returning will not sate my desire for a "permanent" place. I love to roam. I love to travel. I love adventure, and I have yet to live in a place that made me feel any sort of contentment. Things change. People leave. No place has a hold on me. I imagined for some time that having a family of my own would create that feeling, and while I do not doubt that should I ever marry and have a family some semblance of home will drift into my heart, but even then I will be longing for something more. Something greater because I am very hardwired to long for a place outside of this world. In reading, Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis, I was struck by the beautiful way in which Psyche described leaving the only home she knew to live on the mountain that she had longed for her entire life.

“The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing — to reach the Mountain, to find the place where all the beauty came from — my country, the place where I ought to have been born. Do you think it all meant nothing, all the longing? The longing for home? For indeed it now feels not like going, but like going back."

Though she could very well have been going to her death, she had a hope inside of her that she was finally returning home. I view heaven in a similar fashion--and this was clearly what Lewis was alluding to here. When I am finally taken up to be with my savior, all of that longing will be satisfied. My longing for home for a place to belong, for love and wisdom. All of it will be fulfilled there because that is where I am meant to be. 

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing. If that is so, I must take care, on the one hand, never to despise, or be unthankful for, these earthly blessings, and on the other, never to mistake them for the something else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage. I must keep in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find till after death; I must never let it get snowed under or turned aside; I must make it the main object of life to press on to that other country and to help others do the same."

-C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Today

today, i lost myself in worship

i felt a friend pull away

i questioned the validity of relationships

i wanted to run away

today, i watched a disney movie and knitted on the sofa

i listened to excellent music

i drank coffee

i prayed

i cried

i smiled

today, i wanted to read

i wanted to talk

i wanted to listen

i wanted to dance

today, i did not make sense. 

 and tonight, i just want to sleep

and let God use my dreams to put my thoughts back where they belong.

wanderlust.

warped

Studying Philippians 2 is an amazing experience. Jesus is the perfect example of humility (and everything else) and I am as always floored by him. I find it strangely disheartening when I look around the world at myself and my peers and see how far we have fallen from His example. We like expensive cars, and flashy things. We want the newest computers, televisions, phones, etc. We want so many things and yet there are people in need and we walk past them. We chastise. We judge, but we are the ones who are falling short. Our world has a warped image of what makes someone happy. When I look back on this year and think of the moments I was just indescribably happy very few of them involve material things and I think that if we all sat back and thought about it we could generally say the same because God has given us so much more than we deserve and the materialistic aspects are baby blips on the radar. Yes, it is nice to be able to listen to my ipod or type this blog on my computer. I am thankful that I have a car that can take me from place to place and a television on which I can watch ridiculous shows and stay up far too late laughing with friends, but I would trade it all to lie on an airfield and watch the stars and moon drift in and out of the clouds. I would swap it all for a meaningful conversation where I lost track of time, and left feeling so much closer to another individual. What truly matters in this world is the connections that we forge with others, with nature, and most importantly with God. Doing all the we can to bring glory and honor to his name. Helping those less fortunate than us, and loving them as if they were greater than we were...because they are. We are nothing, but a speck in the universe. We are important in the eyes of our savior. We are ALL important in his eyes. If only one of us existed and that person was the most loathsome git you've ever met...Jesus would have still died for him. It puts the world in perspective to think that, but it is true. Everyone we meet is important.

Father, I thank you for humbling me. 

I thank you for dying for my sins. I thank you for grace. I thank you for all that you have done and are doing inside of me. Every day I am stronger in your love and every day I die more to myself and come more alive in you! You bless me far more than I could ever begin to thank so I give you my life as my living sacrifice and continue to ask that you use me as you would. Shape me into the person you want. Lead me where you want me to go. I know that it will be an adventure greater than all that I have seen thus far and all that I could plan myself. Thank you for my friends, Father. You use them in such fantastic ways. Allowing me to learn and grow. Please use me as a light to my friends who do not know you. I stumble often, but please keep me strong that I might show only your goodness to them. Give me the wisdom to talk of you. Particularly on Tuesday as I share your glorious message of humility with this awesome group of people you have placed in my life. I cannot believe it has only been a year since I moved back to this town. My life has changed completely. Thank you thank you thank you. Remind me every day that it is not to me, Father. Not to me, but to YOUR name be the glory in all that I do because you alone are God. You alone are worthy.

Amen.

(fell in love with this song today!)

"Master, they say that when I seem
To be in speech with you,
Since you make no replies, it’s all a dream
—One talker aping two.

They are half right, but not as they
Imagine; rather, I
Seek in myself the things I meant to say,
And lo! The wells are dry.

...

Then, seeing me empty, you forsake
The Listener’s role, and through
My dead lips breathe and into utterance wake
The thoughts I never knew.

And thus you neither need reply
Nor can; thus, while we seem
Two talking, thou are One forever, and I
No dreamer, but thy dream."

-Prayer, by CS Lewis

prayer and thanksgiving

The way God leads me is astounding. He has sent me on this epic adventure filled with ups and downs ultimately leading to a total union with him. I love it, but I am so stubborn. I keep taking the more difficult path though there is an easier one before me. I want so desperately to take his hand and let him lead me, but my heart hardens and stands in the way. Silly heart. You never know what is best for you.

I feel God telling me (and he has sent me this message continually) to be still and to wait on his perfect timing. To trust him in my struggles with relationships. To trust him as I fight to understand myself. To trust that he will lead me wherever he needs me most. Even if that means being stationary for a bit.

Father,

I love you. I am awed by you. I am thankful for your grace. For the hardships I endure--which are not so hard in the grand scheme of life. I thank you for trusting me with your beautiful message and though I fail you pick me up and point me in the right direction each time. I fear love, but you teach me that perfect love drives out fear. I believe you, God. I know that your word is truth, and that all good things come from you. I know that you are asking me to wait. To be still and to wait on you. I know that my restless nature makes this difficult, Father, but I also know that you are worth it. I know that the plans that you have for me are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them! I fear the future, but you tell me to not be afraid because you are with me. If I have nothing else in this life, but you I am rich beyond measure, but you have also blessed me with friendships far greater than this selfish, prideful heart deserves. You show me your love and mercy through them. Through my family, you teach me patience and the importance of time and effort. Father, I thank you for my grandfather. Our relationship has not always been great, and it may never be all that I dream, but it is what you desire, Father. What more could I ask for? Help me to be thankful in all that I have. Help me to be a living sacrifice to you because nothing of me is my own. Help me to love as you love, and to set aside all pride and selfishness.

I love you, Father.

Thank you.

"we are just breakable, breakable breakable girls and boys..."

I think I'm figuring it out. What keeps me from connecting. It's so strange to me that my mind has been fixated on connections lately. On what is keeping me from fully connecting with God. What is keeping me from fully connecting with my friends here and what is keeping me from connecting on a more romantic level.

 Slowly, but surely God is helping me to understand this mess of at thing I call a brain (and a heart). I have not forgiven myself for the things in my past. For the mistakes that I have made, for the things which God has already forgiven..and though I have turned from them there is still a part of me that yearns for earthly acceptance and so causes a disconnect between myself and God. I am praying every day to let that go and I know it is ultimately my choice, but I pick up those insecurities often. Less now than I did, and each day I pick up less and less, but I still hold on to the past.

I am not sure what is keeping me from connecting with friends. It could be trust. It could be a fear of loss. I'm not sure, but I feel this block.

When it comes to romantic relationships, however, I think I've gotten that figured out--though I'm not sure if what I have learned will ever help me. I do not like the middle ground in relationships. I do not like the uncertainty of dating. Ideally, I'd love to just jump from friendship to marriage and skip the in between. I put a lot of myself into my friendships, because I have to stay so guarded when I am dating someone I feel as though I put in a bit less of myself. Dating scares me, but I have no fear of marriage. I love the idea of having someone go through life with me and I trust that God will put the right person into my life and so I have no fear of divorce (though it is so prevalent these days and that breaks my heart). I believe that if a friendship can turn into a marriage it will last because it is built on something stronger--most importantly having a friendship that centers around God ensures just that.

I am no expert. Quite the opposite, but I have faith in this theory...the problem is that the likelihood of my love life going in this direction is slim and so I will have to brave the terrifying world of dating and try my best not to run.

In other news, I love Phillip Phillips new album

something more

I think it is absolutely fascinating the way that we are wired.

We have this desire for connection. You see it everywhere from social media to the television programs we watch. People desire connections. We mistakenly assume that this connection is something that we can get from man, but it is not. I think that need for connection is something we can only get from God, but it is also something that we will not fully have until we are joined with him in heaven. God gives us human relationships to gain some semblance of what life will be like in heaven. I understand the craving. I often yearn for someone I can truly connect with. Someone who listens. Who does not make me feel insecure, second guessing my every move. I throw up my walls, but I would love to have them shaken. I know that God has someone like this in store for me, but he wants me to be still. He wants me to wait on his perfect timing, and he has given me glimpses of what that person could be like, and while it is all so beautiful it pales in comparison to the day when I can meet my savior face to face. 

I must remember that.

feigned apathy

Today I worshiped outside.

It was amazing.

Today I helped an old man find his car, made friends with another elderly gentleman, and got to have Thanksgiving dinner with the ladies at the assisted living home whom I am so incredibly thankful for.

Today I sang quite a few of my favorite worship songs and was nearly moved to tears.

Today I got to watch as friend drew closer to God.

Today was a good day.

I had a bit of a revelation as the day went on. I hate apathy. When people I care about show apathy around me I find myself personally offended (if it in some way involves me) and yet, I pretend to be apathetic about a lot of things. How true it is that the things we despise most are thing we see in ourselves.

When I am genuinely upset, I feign apathy. When I am sad, I feign apathy. When I am disappointed, I feign apathy. I do not know why. Could it be that I fear the reactions my genuine emotions would receive? Perhaps I do not know how I feel in a situation and rather than processing those emotions I hide them? I am not sure, but I have also realized that feigned apathy became my defense mechanism in guarding my heart. A thing I do not find fair because in matters of the heart, apathy is rarely a good thing.

Father,

Please help me to express myself better. Give me the wisdom to let the people around me know how I feel and to do this in a way that brings glory to your name. You have blessed me with so much. You know that I can never thank you enough for all that you have done. For all that you have forgiven, but I do not have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the beautiful way that you love me. Father, help me to think and to act with my brain and not with my heart and allow your will to be done. To invade and change my heart. I love all that you have done to me so far, and I pray that you give me the strength to allow you to continue moving in me. Father, please help me (or whomever you have appointed) to reach Maria during this difficult time in her life. She needs you, Father, but she does not know where to look. Soften her heart to you, Lord. Thank you for all you have done with Jake. Help me to not be a stumbling block to him, Father. Thank you so much for allowing me to see him attempt to draw close to you. Help him to continue down this path because he needs you so much right now, Father. I love you, and in all that I do let me bring glory and honor to your name, Lord because it is not to me. Not to me, but to Your name be the glory because of your love and faithfulness.

Amen

beauty and the break down

I think my "favorite" book is generally the last one I've read. Upon completing The Scent of Water I fell in love and declared it favorite. After reading The Great Divorce...I felt the same. Today I finished Till We Have Faces and I could make the exact same claim. The important thing is not, however, which is the favorite, but that each left an impact on my heart. Must remember to use the word "favorite" less often.

Till We Have Faces was a book that I needed in my life at this moment. The main character is lost, feels ugly, worthless, and indulges in self-pity. She has a skewed view of love and feels she is doing what is best by those she "loves" by making them rely on her...oh wait, she reminds me of myself. For a good portion of the book I hated her for these reasons, but as I watched her sink deeper and deeper into herself I began to feel and overwhelming amount of pity (mixed with gratitude because God had never allowed me to sink to the depths that she did) for Orual. Lewis is a master storyteller. He weaves worlds that seem as real as the one you are sitting in and draws you in with the incredible depth of his characters and the beautiful way in which he describes...everything. Reading this book made me fall in love with stories all over again. Not only written stories, but the beautiful one that God is writing for me. I love looking back and seeing how much he has changed me and how he continues to change me. The end of this book gave me chills. I nearly cried at work because of the power of the things that were said. I contemplated writing it here, but then I remembered that even if only one or two people read this post I want those two people to read this book and experience for themselves the beauty of story and God's infinite love.

The breakdown came later. One of my dearest friends called me today to tell me she was getting a divorce. I could not believe it and I genuinely did not know how to respond. I wanted to cry for her. To give her a hug and tell her that I would always be there for her to lean on, but that is not always my place. She does not live here and I cannot get to her so leaning on me will be of little support. She does not have the faith that I have in God, and so I am fervently praying that he uses this time to draw her close to him because he is the ultimate source of comfort. There is little that I can do (though I know he can use me to help comfort her), but he can mend her heart. He can reach in and fix all of the broken places because divorce, as I have said before, is a terrible thing. It is a ripping apart of self and that is not an easy mend...perhaps I will give her The Scent of Water.
Not to self: Buy more copies of that book

shifting perspectives

Looking back on my life, I love to see how far God's moved me. A year ago, had you told me I'd see James Bond with two British officers I'd have been a tad giddy. I love the Brits. In my memory, they always treated me with so much respect. They made me feel important, special, wanted. For a girl who often felt quite the opposite, all things British were the appeal, but with every day God reminds me that I am wanted. By him. And if no one else ever does, that is fine. A year ago, I allowed my emotions to rule me. I would become overwhelmed by my sadness. Now I turn my sadness, my fears, my joys, my anxiety wholly over to my Savior. I still feel them. I still have moments where tears are my best response. Where I need to step away from a situation because I can feel anxiety boiling over, but I am more apt to go to God in prayer at those times and less likely to sob silently in my room or vent vehemently to a friend. I pray for wisdom, and at times I have it. I look beyond myself into the hearts of others and can find their side of an argument. I can share opposing views with Love. Oh, Love. It has infected and transformed the entire way that I view the world because God so graciously allowed me to see love as he wants me to live it. Described beautifully in 1 Corinthians 13 and inscribed on my heart, ready to seep in at the slightest crack!

Throughout my college years I believed in God. I loved him as I have since I was a child, but trust was difficult. Trust has always been difficult for me--I say always, but there is no way that is true. I am just unsure about when that changed. Something clicked in me and I realized that I could not live my life chasing after human approval. Human approval will always let me down. If I am so flawed, how could I not see that the world is the same? And yet there is someone greater. God can and should be trusted because he does not break his promises. He does not disappoint. He promised to never leave me nor forsake me and though I ran in the other direction, he held me close and never let me fall.

If that is not love I do not know what is.

So if satan wishes to infect my dreams with heaping disappointments, if he tries to break me in my sleep (or even whilst awake, but last night had such strangely vivid nightmares riddled with only disappointments that it was clearly his attack) let him try because I know he cannot win.

My perspective has changed. I am not so weak any longer, but only because I am growing stronger in Christ.

For that I am so thankful.

this one thing remains

In comparison to the day before, yesterday was pretty great. I barely slept the night before so it was a tough start (and I also think the realization of all that had transpired the night before finally hit me and I was a bit crushed, but God laid a lot of things on my heart and humbled me for all of my prideful thoughts making it a good start as well). I had a good email conversation with my best friend who always reminds me that even when I'm feeling incredibly insecure I am worth more than I realize. I love her. I genuinely could not ask for a better person to keep me grounded. I had a good chat with my roommate and my closest female friend here--that also involved a study on Matthew 6--both of which I think I needed. The greatest thing about my day was the peace God gave me as I read through both Jeremiah and Till We Have Faces. He reminded me of how quickly love can change into something deceptive and that only a single pursuit of Him can bring ultimate happiness. I also had a much needed phone date with a friend/mentor and while we were both barely able to stay awake towards the end we hit some very needed points. I have the moments in life where I would absolutely love to hit fast forward. I would have loved to close my eyes last night and awoken the following morning with a loving husband and living in a place that I can finally call home. That's not the case, however, and it should never be. Each one of these trials that I go through is a joy--though I often grit my teeth and attempt to say otherwise--as it brings me closer to the only reason I am here. I need to experience rejection so that when I am loved it is more beautiful. I need to experience loss so that I cherish every minute. I need to experience sadness so that my moments of joy are all the more important, but most importantly I need to experience all of this so that I know that my hope lies only in my savior. That only he can change hearts and that without him I am nothing. 

Without him I. Am. Nothing.

Father,

I want to thank you for everything. I want to thank you for this emptiness in my heart. I want to thank you for these opportunities that you have given me. I want to thank you for where I am right now. It was not where I wanted to be and I may never fully understand the depth of all of the reasons that you brought me here, but I do not need to understand. Father, in every sad moment, in every happy one I want to give you the praise. I want to follow you and give you glory even when it hurts...especially when it hurts because I know that the joy set out before me is greater than any pain I can experience here on earth so thank you Father. Thank you for everything and if it is not in our will I do not want it. Bring me close to you, Father. Help me to know your will. Give me the wisdom to make only the decisions that bring glory and honor to your name. Incline my heart to YOUR testimonies and not to selfish gain because I do long for your precepts. In your righteousness, give me life.

pride

"Where is your focus? Do you live for making yourself happy, or do you seek to make God happy? Even as you seek after God's heart, you may still struggle with pride because as a Christian, you are still being transformed. However, you can be certain that His way of living is richer, freer, and more abundant than your own." -The Jane Austen Devotional

I have struggled with pride my entire life. Pride in my intellect, in my friendships, and in my kindness to others even. Pride can seep into every situation, and I think that to some degree sadness can become a source of pride. In this moment, I am sad, and at the core it is because I think I keep losing the "best" opportunities for me. The best people, the best places, the best things...but I do not know what is best for me. God knows, and in my sadness it is as if he is telling me to just trust him. To trust that if I thought this particular thing was great imagine what greater thing he has in store for me. Doubts creep in. My insecurities. My worries. My fears. And there lies pride again. Father, you don't understand (how many times have I stupidly felt this way without saying it) that kitten was perfect for me. I'll never find another like it. Father you don't understand, he was exactly the friend I needed right now. I'll never find another like him here. Father, you DON'T understand, he was greater than any other guy I could have found. If he can't love me who can? And God smiles at me and seems to say, "Just you wait. This is not be the time for any of those things. Right now I want you to focus on me. Not a pet, not a friend, not a boy. I want you to focus all of your love and your strength and your time on me and I will lead you to true joy, but you have to lean fully on me. Be sad and I will strengthen you. Be alone and I will give you peace. Wait on my perfect timing and trust. Really trust that what I have in store for you is so much better than all that you have seen."
I trust you, Father. I trust you, but it will not be easy. I trust you, but I know I will fail. I trust you, and I know that you will keep picking me up with every stumble.

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." 

-Hebrews 10:23 ESV

Father, there is so much in my heart and on my mind tonight that I want to give to you.
Praise for amazing friendships. Particularly Joanna because she is so much greater than any friend I could have imagined and I am thankful to be lucky enough to have a true friend in her.
There is a heaviness on my heart that you know in full, but I will not write about here. Father, please reach inside and mend all of the broken places. Create in me all that you desire because there is nothing greater in this life for me than that. Remind me, that it is okay to be sad at times. That this sadness is part of what makes me human, but also help me to give it to you and allow it to be used to strengthen my relationship with you. Bringing me closer and lifting you up. Help me to show that strength to those around me who need it and to provide no stumbling blocks to others. Give me your peace and wisdom in my daily interactions and let it be ok for me to slip away and read because in the silence of a good book you give me so much comfort. Thank you for that as well, Father.

Thank you for it all.

exhaustion

Do you ever have one of those weeks where when you finally have the opportunity to just sit your entire body feels like it collapses into itself?

Where all you want to do is curl up on the sofa with a mug of hot tea and watch a movie because even the effort it would take to hold a book seems like too much?

Where you feel as though you should sleep, but your brain says no?

This has been one of those weeks and there is still so much to do

morning praise

Having the opportunity to lead worship with my friends is an amazing thing. Seeing the changes that God has made in my life during this one year are astounding. I have gone from being broken and confused. Believing in, but not trusting fully in the one who saved me (and not even realizing that is where I was) to growing intimately closer to Jesus every single day. Being surrounded by friends who love him and are striving to live as He would have him live, and realizing that the beauty in my brokenness is that I do not have to bear it alone. Jesus lifts me out of the darkness and I know that he will never let me down.

There are few truths more beautiful than his promise to never leave nor forsake me.

And never is an awfully long time

 

Some days are long. Some days I feel a bit like a failure. Some days I'm exhausted to my core.

Today was one of those days

BUT 

In those moments I am reminded, always, that I am loved by a King who sees me not as worthless, but as worthy.

And daily he reminds me to not give up, and he tells me in so many wonderful ways that he loves me.

He placed a pretty great guy in my life and has used him on multiple occasions to turn a bad day around with a well placed word, a hug, and most importantly, time. 

Today was one of those days.

 For that I am incredibly thankful.

 

separate thoughts

I want to curl up in an over-sized, comfortable chair with a warm blanket and a large cup of tea and disappear into my book.
I want to lie on the sand with a warm cup of cocoa, staring up at the beauty of the stars and reveling in the rhythm of the sea.
I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my back while I feel the soft grass beneath my hands enjoying the company and food a picnic brings.
I want to experience the excitement of roaming through a new town, never knowing what is around the next corner sating my wanderlust for a day.
I want to roam aisle after aisle of books. Running my hands along their spine, wondering at the adventure each holds.

It seems that I am restless

There are things I cannot write about.
Feelings, moments,thoughts
kept deep inside to keep them from becoming too real.
Guarding. Holding. Waiting.
Each day is harder and easier at the same time.
Falling is terrifying (they claim it is the fun part, and at times it is, but I think it gets so much better)
I'm ready to land. I want to know where I am going.
There is certainty on the ground, but while you are airborne the wind can blow you anywhere.
Uncertainty and I are not friends.

It is no secret that I love to read. I have been known to slip away from the crowd to sit quietly and read, or to run to a bookshop and lose myself for a few hours temporarily leaving the world behind me. There is something wholly enchanting about the way that books invade my mind. They reach deep inside of me and sate the ever-growing need for adventure within me. They give me the words to express those things which I had deemed inexpressible within my heart and they grant me the sanity to know that I am not alone in my weird quirkiness.
I love to read and so I find it prudent to thank God when incredible books are placed into my life as they are always most opportunely timed. This year in particular was a good year for books. When my heart was a bit heavy, God sent me The Scent of Water  by Naomi Zacharias and reminded me that he is with me always--despite my mistakes--and I grew stronger. When my restlessness was at its peak and I could feel this ache to leave deep within my soul, he sent me The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis to remind me that the greatest adventure of my life was the one that led me to him and showed me a glimpse of the beauty that was in store as well as the heartache for those who would not believe (this also called me to live out my faith more audaciously because I never want my loved ones to feel the sting of that rejection from God). Now, when my insecurities are in a constant state of flux he has given me Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis, though I have not gotten incredibly far (proper reading time being in short supply at the moment)  I am already amazed by the beauty of the narrative and the confidence it brings.

I love to read, and the joy of a good book is so much greater than I could express. If the way to my heart is through a good book then should the one who brought these books to me want it he is off to a fairly good start. I love to share the books that I love because in the same way that each book I am given impacts my life where it is, I know that God does the same for others and cannot wait to hear the way he moves in them as well!

simple beauty

There is a simple beauty in getting to know another person.
Being fascinated by the things that are said
and reveling in the things unsaid.
In finding that every good bye comes too soon
and wishing for more uninterrupted time
To comfortable silence and warm embraces.

It is terrifying to be vulnerable
Never knowing how much you can open up
How long to keep things inside
But there is a simple beauty involved
and a trusting of that fear to the One who will never let you down

I'm loving this adventure.
Wherever it might lead.

but what good do "what ifs" do?

I am incredibly guilty of self deprecating.
Things in my life start going well, and I am thankful.
Then my thoughts become twisted and I think of myself as undeserving.
Harmful because when was I ever deserving of the beautiful things God has given me?

As Christians it is easy to get caught up in this mode of thinking because we are aware of our flaws and our need for a savior, but we fool ourselves into thinking that the moment we accept Jesus into our hearts everything immediately changes. For some that is the case. God rocks them and shapes them and that is beautiful, and for others, like myself, it is a daily mending. Daily he changes my heart and shapes me into the person he wants me to be. This is also beautiful, but sometimes I miss that. I love looking back on my life and seeing what a remarkable difference a day makes in my life with Jesus. I am never the same as I was yesterday. Each day is new. Sometimes I forget that the wrong paths I have taken in this life were really the right paths to lead me to ultimate forgiveness. Had I not stumbled so frequently would I have been able to truly fall down and say I cannot climb out of this hole on my own?
Thank you Father for your unending grace. For loving and changing me every moment of every day. For sending your beautiful and perfect son to die for me that I might one day die to myself and love as you love. Live as you would have me to live. You never promised me an easy path, but you promised to never leave nor forsake me. Thank you. I give you all of my praise and I hope that I never forget that your love is all that I need in this life and the next.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Documenting a simple day

It is so easy to focus on negativity, but some days are just generally lovely and need to be noted.
From listening to a fantastic sermon about the seductions of the soul whilst taking a much needed and incredibly relaxing bath to starting to teach my little brother to drive (bit stressful, but still fun because he was so excited) to going to my first military ball and walking down to the beach seeing a star filled sky and a beautiful harvest moon (it took my breath away when I saw it ask my dates). There was no part of today that I did not enjoy.
There have been better days. There will always be better days, but this was simple and lovely and that needs to be noted.
I had a mini revelation today, however, that maybe there are certain people that you want to see every day because there are so many things you want to share with them. It's a fun and slightly humbling realization for me. Can't wait to share it!