"we are just breakable, breakable breakable girls and boys..."

I think I'm figuring it out. What keeps me from connecting. It's so strange to me that my mind has been fixated on connections lately. On what is keeping me from fully connecting with God. What is keeping me from fully connecting with my friends here and what is keeping me from connecting on a more romantic level.

 Slowly, but surely God is helping me to understand this mess of at thing I call a brain (and a heart). I have not forgiven myself for the things in my past. For the mistakes that I have made, for the things which God has already forgiven..and though I have turned from them there is still a part of me that yearns for earthly acceptance and so causes a disconnect between myself and God. I am praying every day to let that go and I know it is ultimately my choice, but I pick up those insecurities often. Less now than I did, and each day I pick up less and less, but I still hold on to the past.

I am not sure what is keeping me from connecting with friends. It could be trust. It could be a fear of loss. I'm not sure, but I feel this block.

When it comes to romantic relationships, however, I think I've gotten that figured out--though I'm not sure if what I have learned will ever help me. I do not like the middle ground in relationships. I do not like the uncertainty of dating. Ideally, I'd love to just jump from friendship to marriage and skip the in between. I put a lot of myself into my friendships, because I have to stay so guarded when I am dating someone I feel as though I put in a bit less of myself. Dating scares me, but I have no fear of marriage. I love the idea of having someone go through life with me and I trust that God will put the right person into my life and so I have no fear of divorce (though it is so prevalent these days and that breaks my heart). I believe that if a friendship can turn into a marriage it will last because it is built on something stronger--most importantly having a friendship that centers around God ensures just that.

I am no expert. Quite the opposite, but I have faith in this theory...the problem is that the likelihood of my love life going in this direction is slim and so I will have to brave the terrifying world of dating and try my best not to run.

In other news, I love Phillip Phillips new album