Last night I dreamt that I was going to die.

My mother and I were waiting in a dungeon for our coming execution and I was terrified. I knew that death was nothing to fear, but I kept thinking of all the life I had not lived. I knew nothing of home, family, love. There was so much for me to learn, to see, to experience and it was all slipping away.

I kept reassuring myself (and my mom) that death should not be feared. That in dying we could finally live. All that we wanted to feel or be would be wrapped into ultimate union and praise with our savior. What better way to spend eternity?

But I was still afraid. I woke up unsettled and concerned. I prayed for wisdom and peace and attempted to sleep again--at this point my roommate's dog started barking incessantly.

Fear of death is natural. More than anything, I think it is a fear of the unknown and a desire for control. Something I struggle with in my adventure with God is giving up control. I know completely that the plans he has for me are perfect. I know that he desires me to give him control for this reason. In the book of Jeremiah, he makes a similar plea to the people of Judah who have turned from him.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 

 -Jeremiah 29:11-13

These people have run from God--as I did. He is punishing them, but in the midst of the punishment he gives them hope and pleads with them to trust him because he has a glorious plan for their lives. 

Giving up control is a daily struggle and I want so badly to do it. I do not know what is holding me back, but I am determined to find it because I cannot find true joy without total trust in God.

Only God can provide true joy and fulfillment and only a single pursuit of Him can ensure it.

I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful 

During my intended quiet time yesterday I was reading Lamentations and this song came on my lastfm station completely exemplifying all that I have felt yesterday (and this morning actually!). I say "intended" because that was my plan, but God had a better one. He sent me two friends to discuss and share portions of my faith with them. One said he wanted to take a break from my group for a little while, but wanted to study one of the gospels with me. Another said that she hadn't been to church in years, but that she was interested in giving mine a shot.
Thank you, Father! I am always awed by the ways you choose to use me for your will! Allow me to continue growing close to you and ultimately surrender all of myself to you.