rejection

Nightmares do not always involve terrifying creatures or unrealistic situations. The ones I have had lately center around simple disappointments in real-life situations with a dreamlike twist.

Last night I dreamt that an ex of mine--with whom I was still close friends--had started dating another friend of ours. I was happy for them, but there was a slight pang in my heart because I instantly noticed a change in him. Where he had been so apathetic in our relationship, he was quite the opposite with her. I did not care as much that his affections were no longer mine because what we had could not truly be called affectionate, instead the pang clearly came from a hidden notion that something in me kept him from connecting with me in that way. Kept every guy I'd dated from the same, and while in my waking hours I would feel these thoughts were fairly absurd, in my dreams I could not deny that my dating life had ultimately come to this point where I realized I'd been hearing the same thing for years--that they just could not find genuine affection for me. 

I yet again prayed for peace and wisdom, but unlike the night before I felt a block.

I, in no way, trusted God to grant me that peace I desired. I knew that he could, but I did not believe that he would. I had found that my disconnect in every relationship was a fear of rejection. It kept me from wholly opening up to any one person and I was allowing that fear to get in between God and I.

Seriously?! How ridiculous! How many times did God tell me that he would never leave nor forsake me? Why does my mind allow me to equate my Creator to the people who have let me down? Humans are flawed. I know this, but I see them every day. I interact with them all of the time, and though God has more than shown me that His word is truth in the way that he has pursued me relentlessly for 26 years I have not given him this particular fear and like a child allowed it to stand in the way of our relationship. 

I was guarding my heart against the one whom I should never be guarded.

But I do not understand that concept. Should I not always be guarded?

A year ago, I thought little of marriage, family, even romantic love. I've always been a girl who is interested in, but in no way truly invested in these things. For the past few months, however, it has been on my mind. I have tried to understand my thoughts and desires for such things and bit by bit certain things have come to light for most of it, but relationships have always eluded me. I have heard time and again that "we accept the love we think we deserve." and should have realized that this apathetic, unattached "love" was what I thought it all was about.

That's not true at all.

There is a reason fairy tales are so well loved. Yes, they add in elements of the fantastic, but there is more. We desire someone to fight for us, to woo us, to make us feel important and those things do not exist only in a fairy tale.They can, and do exist in real life. Why would I settle for less than that? These are the exact things that Jesus did for me. He fights for me daily as I pray to him for guidance. He woos me with the sunrise, the flowers, the moon. He died so that I might be joined with him one day in heaven, and if no one else existed he still would have died just for me. Talk about feeling important.That's amazing, and the greatest love story of all. Why on earth would I settle for anything remotely akin to apathy?

Father, please help me to guard my heart against those who do not deserve it, but also help me to open myself up to those whom you deem worthy of my affections. Give me the wisdom to know the difference, Lord and to not be blinded by my self. You have already given me a love story better than any there ever was, and if it is your will for me to experience a similar love here on earth that would be awesome, but if it is not your will be done. Your plan for me is perfect. I know and am coming to believe that. I trust you, God. I know that you are with me always. Let me not be blinded by my selfishness, my pride. Shape my heart and make it sing only for you. Break down the walls that hold me back. Take away the shame of pride so that your light might genuinely shine from me. It is amazing the changes you can make to a heart and I am excited to see all that you do to mine.

I love you.

Amen.