feigned apathy

Today I worshiped outside.

It was amazing.

Today I helped an old man find his car, made friends with another elderly gentleman, and got to have Thanksgiving dinner with the ladies at the assisted living home whom I am so incredibly thankful for.

Today I sang quite a few of my favorite worship songs and was nearly moved to tears.

Today I got to watch as friend drew closer to God.

Today was a good day.

I had a bit of a revelation as the day went on. I hate apathy. When people I care about show apathy around me I find myself personally offended (if it in some way involves me) and yet, I pretend to be apathetic about a lot of things. How true it is that the things we despise most are thing we see in ourselves.

When I am genuinely upset, I feign apathy. When I am sad, I feign apathy. When I am disappointed, I feign apathy. I do not know why. Could it be that I fear the reactions my genuine emotions would receive? Perhaps I do not know how I feel in a situation and rather than processing those emotions I hide them? I am not sure, but I have also realized that feigned apathy became my defense mechanism in guarding my heart. A thing I do not find fair because in matters of the heart, apathy is rarely a good thing.

Father,

Please help me to express myself better. Give me the wisdom to let the people around me know how I feel and to do this in a way that brings glory to your name. You have blessed me with so much. You know that I can never thank you enough for all that you have done. For all that you have forgiven, but I do not have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the beautiful way that you love me. Father, help me to think and to act with my brain and not with my heart and allow your will to be done. To invade and change my heart. I love all that you have done to me so far, and I pray that you give me the strength to allow you to continue moving in me. Father, please help me (or whomever you have appointed) to reach Maria during this difficult time in her life. She needs you, Father, but she does not know where to look. Soften her heart to you, Lord. Thank you for all you have done with Jake. Help me to not be a stumbling block to him, Father. Thank you so much for allowing me to see him attempt to draw close to you. Help him to continue down this path because he needs you so much right now, Father. I love you, and in all that I do let me bring glory and honor to your name, Lord because it is not to me. Not to me, but to Your name be the glory because of your love and faithfulness.

Amen