"I'll kneel down wait for now. I'll kneel down hold my ground..."

I have a tendency to take on a far more social role in life than I truly desire. I want so badly to sit alone and to just think. I'm a reader for a reason. I am my best when I can escape. I'm losing my ability to escape here.

My heart has been so heavy lately. I would blame it on being sick, but it is so much more than that. I try to distract myself from the fact that Sunday is coming, but every breeze reminds me that I am here and that Sunday will be difficult. I know that this is where I need to be, but for just Sunday I wish I were some where else.

I would never wish my friends here to know the extent of the pain inside of my heart. To know the depth of it. they know loss, Father, but they do not know this loss. It is an ache that cuts deeper than just separation. It is my reminder of how much I have failed. How much You have forgiven. 

But I do not wish to face this day alone.

I feel as though I should not be grieving. That my faith should keep me strong, but there are pieces of my heart that are still broken and I think that this is okay...I just need to know how to cope. If I could go back one year this day would be different. We would have coffee and all would be well, but that was not Your plan. I embrace that. I rejoice...I try to rejoice. I am not angry. I feel only sadness.

I have the opportunity to sing again on Sunday and I know that is wholly Your plan. If I did not have this obligation I would have surely locked myself away for the day to grieve on my own, but now I can at least pour my heart into you again. Pleading for the comfort that only you can give. And this time, if I break down I don't care. I'll know that you are with me and that all is well.

I will wait for You.