Dear Joel,

I didn't want to write you. It felt too cliche', but I also couldn't let this day go by without saying a few things. Joel, I miss you. I remember exactly where I was a year ago today. I remember seeing the look on Joanna's face. I can picture her mouthing the words that I never wanted to hear. I can see myself brushing past that couple as I raced into the back kitchen of Houlihan's to ask if I could leave work early--even though we were slammed. I remember falling into my manager's arms as the reality of what I'd been told came crashing down around me. I don't remember how I got to Joanna's--or to Grandma's Shoe for that matter--but I remember sitting with Abby, Drake, Jake, and Justin as we comforted them and ourselves. I remember asking God why I had to go through this pain again...I remember getting back to Joanna's and immediately walking back to Houlihan's...I needed air. I needed to be beneath the stars, and getting my car was the perfect excuse. I remember reading children's books--particularly Where Do Balloons Go?--and watching Peter Pan in a vain attempt for Casey, Joanna, and I to cling to some innocence in the world. I remember it all as if it were yesterday

but it has been a year

I can't believe that time has passed so quickly. I cannot believe how much has changed. Would we have gotten that coffee? Would I have moved without it ever happening? Who can say. All I know is that I miss you, and that the moment you left this world was the moment my changed forever. One often fails to realize the impact of another human being until they are no longer a part of our world. How tragically true. I wish that you could have seen how loved you were Joel. Not only by me and those you left behind, but by the glorious Father in Heaven who created you. I do not know what you thought and felt in those final moments. I do not know if you called out for him, and I will not know until I am united with him in Heaven, but Joel I pray that I see that beautiful smile when I get there. I pray that I get to hear you sing and that we can have that overly delayed coffee date. I feel you in the autumn breeze and though my heart aches; I smile because I knew you. This pain is a reminder of that blessing.

Until we meet again.