in my life there are so many questions and answers that some how seem wrong

"In my life there are times when I catch in the silence the sigh of a faraway song. And it sings of a world that I long to see. Out of reach, just a whisper away waiting for me..."    -Cosette, Les Miserables 

Of all of the songs in Les Miserables this is the one I tend to listen to the least. In My Life/ A Heart Full Of Love. It is the moment in the musical that seems most unrealistic. Two people falling in love before they have even spoken a word. Absurd. But the other day I found myself humming the beginning to myself, and when I looked at the lyrics I realized how much larger they were than a simple love song. In my own life I am always reaching for something larger, something far away just beyond my reach. I apply this logic to everything. Family, future, faith...I feel as though I am always reaching, but never quite there. I feel as though if there were something more that I could do or something that I could say then things would be different. I would cross the border and no longer be reaching. 

But therein lies the problem.

You see the knowledge of surrendering one's life to Christ and the application of it are two entirely different things. I want so desperately to just disappear into his grace and trust him for all things, but I let myself get in the way, assuming that there is something I can do that will make a difference. Anxious for the changes that I neglect to see only God can make.

On Sunday, we discussed patience of suffering. James 5:7-8 says

Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until receives the early and the late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts for the coming of the Lord is at hand.

Patient. Patient. Patient. For the past year (and arguably longer I just was not listening) God has been asking me to be patient."Be still," he tells me. "and wait on me. My ways are greater than your ways. My plan is not for evil, but to bring you a future and a hope." I have been trying, but I fail every day. Miserably. I allow my mind to keep me awake concocting stories of what my life could be and how the mistakes I have made will keep those things from happening. But in the darkness like a whisper God tells me to not believe them. "Do not listen to the darkness, my child, stay in the light. I am with you. Always." To these truths I hold, but I am not strong. I allow my insecurities to rule me and I hate it. It is then that I realize that what God is calling me to do is to simply surrender. Not partially. Not for a moment, but to actually die every single day and live in Him alone. While listening to the sermon on Sunday my mind focused not on the actual message--which dealt a lot with patience with humanity and stifling our anger--and could cling only to that which my heart had been yearning for an answer. I had found myself clinging to a hope that little things would make a difference in the future that God had planned for me. How vain! What could I possibly do to make a difference? 

Reading in Acts I came across the story of a wise Pharisee who set free the apostles saying;

So in the present case I tell you, keep way from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them. You might even be found opposing God!-Acts 5:38-39

Satan is crafty, he allows us to feel we have some form of control over a situation. As Christians, however, we have given our control over to God. When we act is is not to sway a situation, but to bring glory to God. 

Father that is my greatest prayer. I know that I will fail, but I know that with you I can do anything. I know that my strength comes from you alone, and I thank you for that. Help me to not be blinded by this world and my own desires, but to cling to the cross and the beautiful sacrifice you made for your glory and for my good. Let me never forget your holiness, your grace, your love. Let me find joy in you alone, Father and let me shine your light in the darkness rather than succumbing to it.

I love you.