If I’m being honest I would say that it hurts
To watch the world go by and feel as though something is missing.
As though doors are constantly being closed and I'm left staring blankly outside
Shivering, blinking, lost
And if I’m being honest I would say that a part of me longs to know what it feels like to have someone look me in the eyes, call me beautiful and mean it.
To say that I am enough just as I am.
No games, no pretenses, no doubts.
To promise to stay and for once not run away
And when my heart is overwhelmed with that longing I hear a voice whisper into my soul
Who spoke the Earth and sky to form
Who sets the sun and calls the dawn
As though doors are constantly being closed and I'm left staring blankly outside
Shivering, blinking, lost
And if I’m being honest I would say that a part of me longs to know what it feels like to have someone look me in the eyes, call me beautiful and mean it.
To say that I am enough just as I am.
No games, no pretenses, no doubts.
To promise to stay and for once not run away
And when my heart is overwhelmed with that longing I hear a voice whisper into my soul
Who spoke the Earth and sky to form
Who sets the sun and calls the dawn
Who breathed me out of dust to life
With the will to trust or run and hide
With the will to trust or run and hide
To trust that He would not lead me into pain without purpose.
That to Him, my every centimeter is lovely and that He feels the longing of my soul to bring Him glory in all that I do, but He wants more. He wants me to trust him.
To truly trust Him and to believe that He alone is enough.
I will stay should the world by me fold
Lift up Your name as the darkness falls
I will wait and hold fast to Your word
Heart on Your heart and my eyes on You
And if I’m being honest I will say that it is not easy.
That there are days when I fail to trust. (Dear God, help my unbelief!)Days when I am confused by the world around me and the things that people say.
Days when I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear because I do not believe that I fit in this world,
(but then I am reminded, that He did not fit either. That it is okay to be on the outskirts.)
I am reminded that if no one ever calls me beloved that it is okay because He truly holds my heart, and He wants that to be enough.
And sometimes it is.
But if I'm being honest sometimes I need to be reminded that all that I desire He has already done.
Reaching into my brokenness…seeing my sin and shame
and still calling me beautiful
and meaning it.
Lift up Your name as the darkness falls
I will wait and hold fast to Your word
Heart on Your heart and my eyes on You
And if I’m being honest I will say that it is not easy.
That there are days when I fail to trust. (Dear God, help my unbelief!)Days when I am confused by the world around me and the things that people say.
Days when I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear because I do not believe that I fit in this world,
(but then I am reminded, that He did not fit either. That it is okay to be on the outskirts.)
I am reminded that if no one ever calls me beloved that it is okay because He truly holds my heart, and He wants that to be enough.
And sometimes it is.
But if I'm being honest sometimes I need to be reminded that all that I desire He has already done.
Reaching into my brokenness…seeing my sin and shame
and still calling me beautiful
and meaning it.
Who loved me through my rebel way
Who loved me through my rebel way
Who chose to carry all my shame
Who breaths in me with endless life
The king of glory Jesus Christ
And sometimes that is enough. Sometimes that is all that I need.
But sometimes I need to be reminded…sometimes I need something more
If I’m being honest…
I will stay should the world by me fold
Lift up Your name as the darkness falls
I will wait and hold fast to Your word
Heart on Your heart and my eyes on You even when I fall…when I require more than I should ask I feel His presence calling me back to him. He brings me to my knees with His wonder and His grace and I truly want for that to be all I desire. Sometimes it is and that is beautiful. Sometimes it is not, but then I am reminded…that this is a part of love. It is not always perfect (when performed in human form) and it is not always strong, but it is ever present and ever trying to be greater..
And so I pray for that strength…
God of wonder and God of grace
Let my soul stand always to praise You
Fix my eyes on Your perfect way
And I'll never look back If I’m being honest I pray for it every day.
I will stay should the world by me fold
Lift up Your name as the darkness falls
I will wait and hold fast to Your word
Heart on Your heart and my eyes on You
(Stay and Wait-Hillsong United)
This is beautiful.
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