Uncertainty

a mind left to wander is a worrisome device.
it weaves a tale almost certainly false,
but the longer it wanders the more it burns
into your brain creating a story you struggle to disprove
only to believe it all the more
a mind left to wander slices through confidence
it shatters hopes and turns dreams into nightmares
fear is born in the darkness of a mind
wandering down paths through which it should not travel

Uncertainty cuts like a knife
but hope is born in the dying of self
and light shines brightest in the dark

Tonight I am thankful for my family.
I am thankful that we are broken because it humbles me.
I am thankful that though I did not get the opportunity to fully know my grandmother that I can see the impact she has had on my life and that she is no longer suffering.
I am thankful for the joy I heard in my father's voice.
I am thankful for having a mother who makes me laugh (even though she is stubborn and likes to tell God no. Silly mother).
I am thankful that despite it all we love each other.
Tonight I am thankful for them..

I am also thankful for my friends who see when I am hurting even when I try to hide it.
I am thankful that God placed me here in these relationships to learn to love and grow as He loves
I am thankful for the moon and the stars.
I am thankful for the cold
I am thankful for warmth
I am thankful for my savior.

There is a part of me that is sad, and I know that this is fine. I will inevitably cry at some point this week and I await that moment with open arms, but there is an even greater part of me that is hopeful. That is happy. that is...excited. My world is changing. I am changing, and I love that I am changing into someone who is closer to God rather than someone who is traveling farther away.

Matthew challenged us to answer a few questions. The first one gave me pause. "Who am I?" I have no idea! I'm still figuring that out, but I wanted an answer and I was given one. 1 John 3:2 says, " Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared, but we know that when he appears we shall be like him because we shall see him as he is."

I do not know who I am apart from Jesus. I am striving to be like him, but I will not know him fully until I am in his presence. I genuinely cannot wait for that day to arrive, but in the meantime I will do all I can to grow closer to him to love as he loves, to see as he sees, and to grow as he moves me to grow.

So, yes, my heart is a bit sad, but the overwhelming amount of joy and hope within me makes that sadness a speck on the face of the sun.

There are days when God just wraps me into his arms and reminds me that I am loved.

There are times when I am aware that the truth of the one who loves me shines brighter than any darkness.

There are days when I am indescribably happy.

Today was one of those days.

It wasn't special. Just a typical Sunday, but God used it in such a beautiful way that I cannot help but to give him praise.

We visited a few churches to meet with people about Ylios. The feedback we have gotten thus far has been less than encouraging, but today God timed each visit perfectly. We met so many passionate people, and set up meetings for the future. We were reminded that opposition meant we were doing something worthy of satan's deception and interference. Nothing, however, can stand in God's way.

At one particular church, we heard a message about how God takes us as we are. Broken, scared, lost and shapes us into the person he wants us to be. Initially upon hearing this message my eyes welled with tears. I though of Shea and how she did not understand how beautifully God had made her. I thought of Joel and Chris as well, but for some reason--and I think that is because I was closer to her than the others--it was more than I wanted to handle. I have often thought that I failed her in particular, but God reminds me that her choices were not dictated by me. He placed me perfectly in the arms of comfort--unbeknownst to them--and I smiled at how wonderfully God orchestrates each moment.

The highlight of the day, however, was undeniably laying on the air strip watching the moon drift in and out of the clouds. It was cold, but I was in excellent company and God used the moon, yet again, as an illustration for my life and walk with him. We are to shine our Father's light even when the shadows of life get in the way. In the same way the moon illuminates and shines through the clouds we can shine through our darkness.

Father, that is my praise and that is my prayer.

Always

Thank you

Running to stand still

Dear God,

I trust you with so much, but there are certain aspects of my life where I allow fear to hold me back. I know with every fiber of my being that your plans are perfect and that I will not have freedom from myself, my insecurities, my fears until I relinquish them wholly to you. Father, help me to do that. Help me to give it all to you because you love me in ways stronger and greater than I could begin to experience on this earth. I want to dive in and drown in your grace and love. I want to grow in every way that you have for me. Help me to escape these fears. I feel your peace surrounding me and I am afraid to accept it. 

I love you, Father. 

Break these chains that are holding me back. 

I give you all of me in this moment of glorious surrender.

Your beautiful, perfect, amazing love drives out fear.

Thank you.

Fear

My brain often gets the best of me, but one of the most amazing things about falling in love with God is that he works on this and is there to comfort you as you find yourself slipping. It is so easy for me to think that I am not good enough. I'm not smart enough or pretty enough or thin enough, whatever. But I am also reminded that I am made in the image of God and that speaks volumes. Each life is important. Each person is valuable. We were made for a purpose by the one who made the universe.

What an amazing reminder!

Today I was talking to a friend about a few fears in my life at present, and he gave me a good bit of advice.

 "I really personally think that at this point, you should be open to what God leads, and less to yourselves. We are really good at getting in our own ways sometimes"

Surrendering to God is a daily task because each day is new. You will encounter new triumphs, new fears, new failures, and you can try to get in the way or you can turn them over to God who already has a beautiful plan for you.

I will never get over pure amazingness of the love my Savior has for me!

Take my heart. Make it glow...

Father,

I am so incredibly thankful for all the ways you bless me. You surround me with friends who encourage me. You provide me with food, and warmth and comfort. You've placed me in a country where I am free to worship you in my own way, and given me a church that helps me to grow closer to you.  I can never thank you enough. Every day I feel my heart lighten and I know it is your presence chipping away at the darkness that has held me back from you for so long. As my heart grows closer to you, Father, I see my friends' struggles more clearly and it is breaking me. I do not want you to take that burden away. Father, please use me. Continue to break my heart for those that are broken, and give me wisdom to speak to them, to help them,  to point them to you. There is a guilt deep within me when I am happy and they are sad. I do not feel worthy of this happiness, and yet, I know that you had this in your plan for me. Please make it clear to your servant, Lord, but do not let me get in the way. In all that I do, I want to draw them closer to you. In the past, I have been a distraction. In an attempt to help, I stood in your way. Letting them lean on me rather than falling into your loving arms. Father, forgive me and help me to know when I should step away.

So many of my friends are hurting right now. For some I know the reasons, for others I do not know why, but I know in all things you are there. It is as certain as the sun and I praise you.

Use me as you will, Lord. Let me be your moon.

In your precious Son's name I pray

Balancing Act

My plate is full.

 I don't even remember adding things to it, but somehow I have accumulated a lot. There is not a single thing that occupies my time that I do not fully enjoy, but the amalgamation of them all in a week means restless nights and tired days. I feel as though I have very little time to sit and read or write. Things that are almost essential to my being. I am thankful for this blog because it gives me the opportunity to air out a few of my larger thoughts, but my journals lie empty and my heart is full.

A typical week consists of:

Songwriting meeting on Mondays

Bible study with Marilee and then small group on Tuesday

Assisted living home/dinner on Wednesday

Thursday-break

Being social on Fridays like a normal human

Praise Band practice/Ylios on Saturday

Church on Sunday.

I could opt for being anti-social on Fridays and that might help, but I don't know the huge difference it would make in the world for me. Besides these things I work from 7:30-4 Mon-Fri (a thing that I am most grateful for because with the life I lead now working at the Omni would have meant certain depression) which means waking up at 6 every day. There just are not enough hours. I feel as though I am always tired. I fall into my bed at night and sleep evades me because I am simultaneously too tired and my brain is running 1000 wpm.

Lately, I've found moments of peace just before bed that involve walking under the stars in the beautiful fall weather we have had. It helps. It really does, but the walks are never long enough. Time is inevitably shot.

My co-workers mentioned massages today ( I wasn't involved because they were free for veterans and I am the only one at my job who has never been in the military) and while I have never had a professional massage the very thought of one made me yearn for a source of deep relaxation.

I need a break, but I do not know how to find one.

The Best Thing

I'm exhausted, but before my brain will let me sleep I had to say a few words of praise to my beautiful savior.

As I drove home tonight Relient K's song "The Best Thing" started playing and I couldn't help, but smile. I serve a God who answers prayers in his perfect perfect time. Sometimes immediately. Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes they go unanswered because he has a better plan in store, but they always happen exactly when they are needed most.

Tonight I got to share the reason behind my love for the night sky with my little brother. He asked why I loved the moon and I explained that it is the perfect perfect picture of what God wants from us. Alone it is nothing, but with the light of the sun it can illuminate the night sky (as it did tonight). In the past when I've talked about God I could see in his eyes that it wasn't connecting, but God used that moment to shine a bit of light into his heart and I couldn't help but to praise him.

My dad listened as I explained the necessity of memorizing scriptures and while he may not have agreed that he should do it he also didn't shut me down for talking so frankly with him. A first!

And he gave me a wonderful night walking under the moon and stars with an incredible friend and sent us on a new adventure together. 

Father you have taught me so much about love and I hope that I can be a reflection of the love that you show me every day. Help me to do all things to bring honor and glory to your name. Shape my heart and make it yours. I am excited for every new step that I take because I know that you are with me.

 Father if you are the sun then I want to be the moon

Thank you.

Orionid

There was a meteor shower tonight. I saw a couple dozen shooting stars, and that was lovely. I feel most connected to God when I am under the night sky, so naturally meteor showers are one of my favorite things in the world. Tonight's, however, was about something more. A friend of mine recently went--well, is still going through--a pretty tough break up. We are not particularly close, but I care a lot about him so when he mentioned the meteor shower, unprovoked, I knew he wanted to see it and that he wanted to see it with me. When the time came to leave I did feel a bit badly because I left friends behind, but I knew the significance of listening ears when life seems difficult. It took priority. We sat outside in the chilly night air for about half an hour and then he just started to talk. He told me all about his relationship and how it ended. He told me his hopes and fears, his frustrations and his confusion. Ultimately, that was what it was all about. He didn't understand and as much as I wanted to do so I couldn't give him answers. I prayed for him silently under the stars and I offered every bit of advice that I could. Just before we decided it was a bit too cold, however, and that we should turn in he said, "I haven't even wished on a star yet. I've been too busy belly-aching." I smiled and we waited for a few more stars to fall before packing up our chairs and heading inside.

It wasn't a grand moment. No big gestures were made, but I drove home happy because I'd had the opportunity to sit under the stars and experience God's majesty whilst gaining a better understanding of a friend's heart.

It was a beautiful night.

Guarding

I love Jane Austen novels. It's weird because I'm the kind of girl who tends to shun romantic literature, but there is an elegance in Austen. Her relationships are real. I believe that I would fall in love with a guy who I initially misjudged as Elizabeth did or not even realize that I had fallen for my closest friend as Emma did. These are things I understand, and there is a part of me that longs for it. I think that marriage and a family is a beautiful thing and I pray that God has them in store for me, but in truth I have begun to wonder that this is not true because I lack relational appeal. Guys want to be my friend and they all make it abundantly clear that this is all they are after. Twice this very week I was reminded of this fact, and while I am generally fine with it I think I am beginning to reach my peak. I wonder if there is someone out there for me (please forgive this romantic rant). Someone who will find me beautiful where I neglect to see it in myself. Someone who will go on adventures and understand--well embrace--my eccentricities. I am thankful to serve a God who feels this way for me and for so long it has been enough, but I would like to feel that love on Earth as well, if only to be able to compare. To know that this overwhelming love I feel for another is only a mirrored reflection of the love I will experience when I meet my Savior. A month or so ago, I was reading C. S. Lewis' The Four Loves--a wonderful book that I highly recommend--what I truly loved about this book is that he brings up my much debated question of male/female Friendships. Lewis does not deny their existence, but he does state that when such friendships are formed between different sexes “The friendship which arises will very easily pass—may pass in the first half-hour—into erotic love. Indeed, unless they are physically repulsive to each other or unless one or both already loves elsewhere, it is almost certain to do so sooner or later.” (67).  Having grown up having primarily male friends, this has always been an argument of mine because while I have often found my close male friends to be attractive, I have not generally desired a relationship with them. I would, however, be lying if I said that at some point in time it did not cross my mind that perhaps this could become more. Inevitably, the thing that deterred those thoughts from arising again or becoming something more was that they always made it quite clear (as stated earlier) where their motives stood, and that I valued the friendship too much to entertain further thoughts of more. I, also, learned fairly young how to guard my heart. My method was to never become interested in a guy until both his actions and words expressed an interest in me, until that time assume that no guy is interested. Seems foolproof, but it also has the ability to block people out. I suppose I am searching for that happy medium? Nevertheless, I am content to wait upon the Lord's timing on this. If the time is ever right for me to share my life with another I know he will put him in my path. Until then, I will be still (or attempt to be still) and not let my lack of confidence/insecurities weigh me down too heavily. I cannot lie and say I will not have nights when the pressure will be a bit much to bear, but I also know that I do not have to bear this or any burden alone.
And for that I am eternally grateful.

Society’s warped idea of love has been heavy on my heart lately and I wanted to share a few thoughts on the topic.
My small group and I recently memorized 1 Corinthians 13 and though I knew the verses quite well, God used the memorization of said verses to ingrain in my heart a new understanding—a true understanding— of love.

The other day, my co-worker who is going through a divorce was talking and it felt as though his every word was a stab into my heart. I mourned how distant his idea of love was from the way that God had meant it to be. How we have allowed it to become so warped. As I listened to him speak, I could not help, but notice how his every word seemed to contradict these verses:

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels but do not have love I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardships that I might boast but do not have love I gain nothing

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies they will cease, where there are tongues they will be stilled; where there is knowledge it will pass away. For I know in part and I prophecy in part, but when completeness comes all that is in part will pass away. When I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face. Now we know in part, then we shall be fully known. And now these three remain; faith, hope, and love and the greatest of these is love.

It  also broke my heart because I see evidence of this false love littering every facet of my society. Infecting the hearts of people I genuinely care about and most of all invading my own heart. I now have these words securely bound around my heart and I can feel them seeping in. As a woman, keeping my heart guarded is one of my toughest tasks, but these verses show me how it is done. I compare my own interactions and the interactions of those around me to these verses, and God has used them to impact my every thought and action. The world becomes more beautiful as love becomes more clearly defined and that excites me because this is only a shadow of what is to come!

I cannot wait until the day that I am fully known and can see the full impact of God's love in Heaven.

a million thoughts running through my head

and the only thing I can say is this day was a bit of an emotional roller-coaster:
saw a beautiful sunrise on my drive into work
had a productive morning and felt God on my heart as I prayed through a few songs
had a great lunch with a pretty cool guy (it's always a good time!)
got a bit stressed out by the amount of work I had to do
fought back a few frustrations
held back tears as I watched a friend struggle to articulate her heart
had a wonderful worship experience with the lovely ladies (and my friends) at the assisted living home (I genuinely think visiting them is the highlight of my week. The twinkle in Mrs. Juanita's eyes as she sang with me tonight was one of the most incredible experiences)
dinner with friends
laid in bed and felt my entire body fighting against me
as well as the darkness invading my mind

So now I'll read and search for sleep; hoping the silence puts my brain in order.

I want to go on a picnic

I want to sit outside with a book, a sandwich, and a good friend and just spend hours reading
I want to find peace in the beauty of nature and solace in a book.

Cereal and cartoons

The makings of a lovely evening :)

A servant's heart

A friend of mine recently was given this beautiful vision from God--I say recently, but he's had this on his heart for some time it has only recently begun to come into fruition--of uniting the young adult population of our county in service for Christ

I love this idea.

Listening to him speak ignited that fire in my heart that loves serving others and reminded me of why I got this tattoo on my foot. I am to be a light in this world, and while I do serve a little there is so much more that I can--and do not--do. I am excited for the opportunity to watch him grow this project. To see the reactions of every person we meet with. To see their excitement because I strongly believe that inside each of us is a heart of service. We need only find what service it is that ignites our passion for Christ's bride. To bring us closer to those who cannot help themselves and to shine God's glorious light onto their paths. 

Having been in the darkness, I know how wonderful it is to have God pull you out. Sometimes he uses a song or a book, sometimes a particular experience, but I think the most amazing moment is when he blesses a person with the opportunity to reach out and help that person. To forge a new relationship and to grow His kingdom!

I have always believed that my path in life was to teach. I spent 4 1/2 years in my undergrad and nearly 2 working on my Master's for that specific purpose. One day, when the frustrations of graduate school (and life) were drowning me God reached out for me and placed this idea for a bookshop/cafe into my heart. Never in a million years did I dream this would be my life, but it was fitting. I corrupted God's idea--worrying, as many humans do, how a bookshop would make money in this day and age--I allowed a friend to convince me that a bar was the only way to make it work, and while that idea did seem exciting, it was never fully in my heart. I wanted a place where people could gather, could learn, could grow. I wanted children to feel comfortable and to develop a love for books--as they most certainly changed my life. I wanted a place where local churches could have their small groups. Where students could gather to study, and where God's light could shine from every inch. Needless to say I have since dropped the bar aspect.

Every day something new reminds me of how much I need God's grace. How often I have failed Him, but that the power of His great love overcomes my sins.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us. Oh, how He loves us...

I do not know what God's plan is for my future, but I know that I can trust Him and that He will guide me to a place where the gifts He has so graciously given me will be utilized for the glory of His kingdom. Will it be in the way of this bookshop? Who knows? I certainly do not, but I am incredibly excited to see how He moves. Every step of this path has not been easy, but through each one I have been cradled by a loving God and I can ask for nothing more.

  For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

-Jeremiah 29:11

The art of forgiveness

My small group and I are memorizing 1 Corinthians 13 together. 

This is a chapter that has always been important to me as the idea of love--especially learning to love the way that God loves-- is one that I find fascinating. More on this another time. I had a chat with a wonderful friend tonight about forgiveness referring back to the idea that love keeps no record of wrongs. I explained that while I get unacceptably disappointed when people let me down (something that I am working on because I should not put so much stock in man) I also find that the closer I get to God the more quickly I can forgive someone because I can take into account the fact that they did not mean to hurt me (and were probably unaware that they had). She, however, had excellent insight on this idea (as always) explaining that while, yes, it is important to forgive it is also important to explain to someone who loves you why you were upset to begin with. What an novel idea! (not really, but so hard for me to remember). I love knowing how I can make a relationship better and knowing the way that I have upset someone in the past is the clearest way for me to improve said relationship. So now my goal is to articulate how I can do the same for others in my life.

Unexpected Happiness

Some days I just need to be alone with my thoughts. 

The days of regularly escaping to read (and having a good location to do so) are long gone, and while I have come to accept this it does not change the fact that I am wired to require such escapes.

Yesterday was most certainly one of those days. I could not get the thoughts in my brain to stop turning and tangling around each other and I just need to dive into a good book and escape reality to allow God the time to settle my thoughts. I am also incredibly behind on my 50 book challenge so I kind of just needed space from the world. I'd made plans with a friend to do just that ( I have come to realize that in this particular group of friends it is easier for me to get away with him than on my own. Strange, I know, but there we are.) but those plans fell through. I saw it coming, but I selfishly held onto hope because I knew this was something I needed. When the expected call came I was obviously disappointed (ridiculously so as I was well aware that what he was doing and the people he was with were needed far more than my strange semblance of solitude), but God immediately intervened. Giving me a new outlet for the almost solitude that I needed. Rather than being placed in a large group setting, he gave me two lovely friends and one of the most adorable 2 year old boys I have ever met. (His name is Emerson and he did not leave my side until his mother came to pick him up! Talk about feeling incredibly loved). There are a million things I would rather write about than a simple post on my day, but I am so incredibly thankful at the way God works in my life. He has given me such wonderful friends and opportunities to grow in Him.

I have a tendency to get caught up in my own mind. To feel forgotten, unimportant, and unloved (especially when I am disappointed by my friends), but God reminds me that none of these things are true and that he holds me in his everlasting embrace. I am wholly safe in his arms.

I couldn't be happier.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you you for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

Groanings that words cannot express

Earlier this year my small group was reading through Romans and a particular verse jumped out at me:

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words.

Romans 8:26 ESV

I was immediately reminded of a prayer/praise that I had written whilst driving home from Columbus. I had been praying for my friends who were all still quite broken up over the recent deaths of a few close friends (Random rant: I realize that whenever I reference the events of last autumn I say them as if they did not also greatly affect me…which is clearly not true.) and I found myself engulfed in inexplicable tears. Nearly to the point of pulling over. Almost as suddenly as I had begun I stopped crying and it felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I wrote in my notebook:

 I am so thankful to serve a God who answers my prayers even when they come out as tears.

I love the way that God chooses to talk to us, but I also love how intricately woven our minds and the holy spirit are when he is in charge of our lives.

Nights like tonight when the reminder of the things that have been ripped from me and the many times that I have have failed, all I can do is cry out to God knowing that through my tears the Holy Spirit will intervene and translate the innermost prayers of my heart.

The art of listening

I think there is a beautiful quality about silence. I also think there is something wonderful about listening. A true listener is a rare find and having the ability to listen is an equally rare gift.
One of my constant prayers is the ability to listen to those who need it. I have to admit, however, that one of my greatest challenges in life is my reaction to being cut off/interrupted and ignored. I either become incredibly angry--and it shows--or I become sad and distant.
I need to work on that somehow, but that is certainly one of those things with which only God can help me. I cannot do it alone.

Answering questions of faith

If someone were to come up to me tomorrow and ask me why I am Christian, why I believe what I believe I would probably tell them I have seen the darkness that invades a person's life and leads them to believe that death is the only out. I have also seen the hope that permeates from a person's heart and helps them battle that darkness. Having seen both darkness and light I can see that there is a standard for each and that their must be an Author of said standard. I can see the evidence of this authorship in the changes in my character and my heart as I make the choice every day to follow Him. I can see the evidence of his influence on my heart and actions as a child and also the clear differences in the moments in my life when I stepped away from him, overwhelmed by worldly and selfish desires.

The thing is, I do not know if that is a good enough explanation and I do not know if the life that I live exemplifies this knowledge. I want more than anything to live a life that pleases God, but I struggle to find the proof of that desire in my thoughts and actions. I am a self-centered being trying to live a new life daily.
I'm not even sure if I'm making sense.

Monday: A rainy hurrah

I could not have asked for a better end to Joanna's stay than the one I was given. Books, coffee, playing in the rain, dinner with some of my favorite people on this side of the state.
I am one happy camper. As I settled into bed last night I felt my heart thanking God for this opportunity to see my life through the eyes of one of my dearest friends and for the strength our friendship has maintained over the years.
I will be sad to see her leave me this morning, but knowing I'll get another brief hello (followed by yet another sad good-bye) in just a few weeks makes it easier.

There is a change in the wind. I feel it coming...

Sunday: Filled with adventures and trips to Canterbury?

Having Joanna around is wonderful. I feel like myself again. Funny how the presence of a friend outside of your normal environment together changes the way you see where you are. 

(I also know that Saturday nights service is shaping a different worldview)

Joanna, Katt and I went on a glorious adventure around Fernandina We first had lunch at my favorite sushi restaurant. It was wonderful. Mixing old friends with new is always a lovely past time. We then went on an adventure to the bookshops and read and the boys played us the "song of Canterbury" as we have so aptly named it as we traipsed around the town. 

It is just an all around wonderful feeling to have my friends back and around me.

I also have a delightful moment of observation as I kept my vow to remain silent should Justin ever forget to bless our conversations when we are together. It upset one friend that I stopped speaking, but I personally loved it.

Saturday Night: Filled with surprising praise and just surprises in general.

Even though I don't always have time to blog before bed, I write. So Here I am catching up on the past few days. One post at a time.

Tonight we watched a phenomenal sermon from John Piper encouraging us to not waste our lives. To live them wholly for Jesus. To count every thing else on this earth as loss, our families our friends, our jobs, our possessions, in comparison to Him. I loved the sermon and God certainly used it to influence a change in the way that I view things. Everything is a bit brighter when I view it in that way, however, the thing that stood out to me most was a bit off the path. Piper brings up a particular passage in Job about the death of Job's 10 children. Upon hearing the news, Job gets on his knees and worships the Lord!     

    Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”
(Job 1:20-21 ESV)

Now Job is mourning the loss of multiple things, but I think the particular thing that prompted this response was the loss of his children and his overwhelming love of God. When we lose someone close to us our immediate reaction is not worship, but tears. I remember clearly my reaction to Shea's death (to everyone's death, but hers is the most recent and so stands out in my mind.) I sat on my bed upon hearing the news. I paused Across the Universe. I looked at Brittain and said there is no way that this is true. I collected my thoughts. I blinked. I looked at Brittain again and I told her that I refused to believe it until I had more proof and I pressed play again. The movie went unnoticed. I thought back on every conversation searching for sign for what had happened. There had been sorrow yes, but never on this scale. Brittain tapped my shoulder and said, "It's showing up on Facebook, too." Before the words had left her mouth a lump rose in my throat and I sobbed. Both she and Josh wrapped their arms around me, but I pushed them off and grabbed my keys, heading for the door. They stopped me; offering to drive. I refused. I needed to do this myself. They made me put on my shoes and I sped to the one place I knew I would find my grieving friends. 

Flash forward to the present: When John Piper made this statement I could not have been happier to both be surrounded by friends and to have known those particular friends in my life. I have encountered a lot of death in the past 8 years. More than many of my friends have dealt with in a lifetime and not once did I count it as joy upon hearing the news. A year, a month, sometimes a week later I would praise God, but at that moment, never.

On the 30th of September I relived that intense pain of Joel's death. I had the opportunity to sing at church and I made that song my both mourning and praise to God. There were unanswered questions, undelved (is that a word?) into emotions and thoughts and an intense lack of understanding at why my heart felt glad all wrapped into one song. Particularly the lines:

Holy are you Father, a love like no other. So vast, like the universe, is your love. Is your love

Now I understand. God has been working on my heart and has been transforming my grief into. Yes, I will always be sad about the loss of my friends and loved ones, but I have an overwhelming joy that God gave them to me for however short of time. That he loves me enough that in my anger at their deaths he would hold me and lift me up. 

    fear not, for I am with you;
        be not dismayed, for I am your God;
    I will strengthen you, I will help you,
        I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
(Isaiah 41:10 ESV)

So even the verses I have been memorizing point to this particular transformation that I unknowingly have been going through!

I cannot help but to praise my Savior for all that he has given me, for all that he has taken away, and for this beautiful opportunity that I have to serve and praise him with every fiber of my being!

    Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to your name give glory,
        for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness!
(Psalm 115:1 ESV)

The surprise was that one of my closest friends here returned last night. I expected/needed Joanna's presence in my life, but adding his was the icing on an already delicious cake. 
 

Today I just needed time to breathe. I ignored my phone. I practiced guitar. I read. I caught up on a few shows. It was delightful. I barely left my bed (post work, of course). I miss the solitude of days like this. One thing that stuck out in my mind, however, whilst watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy. The title character said that though Seattle held a lot of tragedy for her it also was the place where she fell in love (among other things). I thought back on the rocky road her relationship had been on and could not help, but say a prayer that my future relationship is nothing like that. I imagine it as nothing even remotely television worthy. The ups and downs of television relationships are enough to scare anyone way from pursuing love. In that moment I was incredibly thankful for my single-ness and for this year I have taken to find myself and better connect with God. I feel as though had I continued down the path I was on I would have wound up in a relationship wholly unlike the one I desire. 

In other news, yesterdays post was supposed to be about my wonderful friend Rusty! We recently re-connected and as always it was as if we had never strayed. I have missed him so much in my life. When the dynamic of male/female relationships is questioned he is the reason I know they can work without being something more or someone harboring hidden feelings. He has been my roommate, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on. We've had our differences and sadly drifted apart for a short bit, but that boy knows me so incredibly well. Talking to him made my day.

I am so thankful for the friendships God has given me. They are far greater than I deserve!

Rusty :)

I miss musical theatre. I miss being surrounded by people who randomly broke into song at the mere semblance of a familiar phrase. I miss being the one who knew the least about musicals, but could hold her own when it came down to singing a fairly well known song. I miss performing, but even more I miss seeing shows performed. I miss falling in love with the actors on stage. I miss the pride of a good performance. I miss the energy that only theater can give.

I love all theater, but there is something so much stronger in a musical. Who doesn't have the moment where they are so overwhelmed that they wish they could burst into song to convey that inner emotion within them...not many? Well, I do and musicals give me that.

The other night I randomly started singing Legally Blonde the Musical and no one around me knew what I was talking about.

That was a first in my book.

I can't wait until December. Les Miserables will be the closest I've been to a musical since Caroline or Change last November. I can't believe it's almost been a year.

Hold me fast 'cause I'm a hopeless wanderer

Different people bring out different sides of a person. 

I find that when I'm around my Columbus friends I am an extroverted introvert. They all have such large personalities that I love to sit on the sidelines and observe. From time to time I join in, but for the most part I am the thinker. The one who often says no to hanging out in favor of sitting alone a coffee shop and devouring my latest literary find (or re-read as is often the case.) 

I like it.

Here I find myself to be an introverted extrovert. I make plans, I talk often, and when I opt for silence the group tends to notice. I am the constant performer  who is always up for another adventure. I rarely say no because I'll miss the fun. I read, yes, but in passing.

And that's okay.

With my closest friends I am an amalgamation of the two. I am both quiet and talkative. I rarely feel the need to put on a show or slip away for solitude because I am granted both in ample proportion. When one of us needs to talk, the other listens. When one of us needs solitude we back away or we plan a day at a bookshop. Not interacting, but providing quiet companionship

 (one of my favorite things).

I'm not sure which group I prefer. The one that grants me solitude or the one that gives me adventure. They each play on the two competing sides of my personality that need equal amounts of sunlight and rain to grow.

Hello October, we meet again

I love October. The cool breezes. Pumpkin flavored everything. Scarves. Pies. 

It is tainted with a small sadness now because I know what is coming when the month ends. I know that if my heart was broken as September closed on Joel's anniversary it will crumble with Shea's, but I take comfort in knowing that God will wrap His arms around me in the same way that he did on Sunday, placing me in situations where I can remember and appreciate the beauty of the present rather than reminiscing on the heartaches of my past.

I miss silence. More and more often I find myself not really wanting to talk. I say things because I feel obligated. Not because I want to do so and I think that need is beginning to fade.

I miss the boys so much, but what I'm most ready for in their return is for them to stop invading my thoughts. Not because I love them any less, but because I do not want them to consume my thoughts, but I find that everything reminds me of them and so they are constantly on my mind.

Writing songs is difficult! I'm focusing on topics that interest me: Anchors, compasses, lighthouses. Locks, keys, bird cages...I do not want to write only on love because I've done that in the past. I want to write about life, God, and the mysterious beauty of it all. I just don't know where to begin.

I want to curl up on a patio and sip tea while I read a good book and feel the autumn air.